It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas - everywhere
we go - and most people probably assume it's all glad tidings of peace on Earth and goodwill towards men. Not Rocks Off. We did a little digging, polled our writers and the Houston Press
editorial staff, and came up with almost a dozen seasonal songs whose tidings read more like a rap sheet.
We included the maximum allowable sentences under the 2007-08 Texas Penal Code
for each degree of violation at the end should you decide to emulate such behavior... 'tis the season. Happy holidays!
"Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer," Elmo & Patsy
"When we found her Christmas mornin,' at the scene of the attack/ She had hoof prints on her forehead, and incriminatin' Claus marks on her back"
Second Degree Felony
"Run, Rudolph, Run," Chuck Berry
"Santa make him hurry, tell him he can take the freeway down/ Run, run Rudolph, reeling like a merry-go-round"
Multiple moving violations: speeding, reckless driving, possible vehicular mayhem and DWI
Depends on number of offenses, probably Class A Misdemeanor at the least
"Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)," Ramones
"Snowball fighting, it's so exciting baby/ I love you and you love me, and that's the way it's got to be"
Third Degree Felony