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Noel Contendre: 11 Musical Christmas Crimes and Misdemeanors

By Chris Gray Wed., Dec. 2 2009 at 1:26 PM
Categories: Lists, Miles-tones, Naughty Naughty
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It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas - everywhere we go - and most people probably assume it's all glad tidings of peace on Earth and goodwill towards men. Not Rocks Off. We did a little digging, polled our writers and the Houston Press editorial staff, and came up with almost a dozen seasonal songs whose tidings read more like a rap sheet.

We included the maximum allowable sentences under the 2007-08 Texas Penal Code for each degree of violation at the end should you decide to emulate such behavior... 'tis the season. Happy holidays!

Song: "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer," Elmo & Patsy

Lyric: "When we found her Christmas mornin,' at the scene of the attack/ She had hoof prints on her forehead, and incriminatin' Claus marks on her back"

Crime: Vehicular Manslaughter

Penalty: Second Degree Felony

Song: "Run, Rudolph, Run," Chuck Berry

Lyric: "Santa make him hurry, tell him he can take the freeway down/ Run, run Rudolph, reeling like a merry-go-round"

Crime: Multiple moving violations: speeding, reckless driving, possible vehicular mayhem and DWI

Penalty: Depends on number of offenses, probably Class A Misdemeanor at the least

Song: "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)," Ramones

Lyric: "Snowball fighting, it's so exciting baby/ I love you and you love me, and that's the way it's got to be"

Crime: Assault (Family)

Penalty: Third Degree Felony

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