Kenny Rogers brings his vast collection of hits and the plastic-surgery disaster he calls a face to Jones Hall to perform with the Houston Symphony tonight, and obviously Rocks Off's extremities are sweating profusely in anticipation. Not because he can't wait to hear "She Believes in Me" with full orchestral backup, but because we're such huge fans of his Kenny Rogers Roasters chain of restaurants, featured in one of our favorite Seinfeld episodes.
The Roasters chain is mostly confined to Asia these days, giving the Filipino government a convenient place to dispose of all those avian-flu-infected carcasses. Still, Rogers' return to his hometown got us thinking about other... inspired celebrity products.
Joe Perry's Rock Your World Hot Sauce
It probably took Perry a good long time to finally settle on "Rock Your World" as a suitable brand name, and we understand. Condiments don't really fly off the shelves if they have the words "Toxic Twins" somewhere on the label.
Dirt McGirt Rap Snacks
To our knowledge, the only product Ol' Dirty Bastard ever officially endorsed; repeatedly getting busted on both coasts tends to make marketing types skittish. The "hip-hop inspired" line of treats is still in existence, though now they stick to somewhat less controversial personalities like Yung Joc and Romeo. How very "dope."
Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease
Because "Booty Shake Yourself Thin" and "Carmen Electra Kickboxing (feat. Dennis Rodman)" never really got off the drawing board, we guess.
Nelly's Pimp Juice
Current rappers' protestations that the word "pimp" doesn't mean what it used to doesn't make drinking something that sounds like what you'd get if you milked a chickenshit misogynist who beats women and steals their money any more appetitzing, quite frankly.
Bill Wyman Signature Metal Detector
Wyman, an avid amateur archaeologist, designed his own metal detector when he was unable to find a suitable beginner model for his daughter. It's a sweet sentiment, but doesn't stop us from wondering why a guy who probably wipes his "bum" with 1,000€ notes seems so obsessed with treasure hunting.
Kenny "The Roaster" Rogers performs with the Houston Symphony, 7:30 p.m. tonight at Jones Hall, 615 Louisiana. For tickets see www.houstonsymphony.org.