He Said She Said: Songs We Are Least Thankful For, Part 2

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This was the first year that He Said made a conscious effort to listen to what was going on outside his self-imposed protective bubble of metal and proto-punk. We sort of took it as one of the facets of our job to actually pay attention to the stuff that was going on in the greater sphere in the music industry rather than sulk at the corner table waiting for Kyuss to reunite.

Boy oh boy, is there some weird shit going down this year to not be thankful for. Roving packs of children listening to the new stirrings of rap-metal, emo kids discovering auto-tune, and country girls singing about how no one loves them and they are misunderstood.

Don't even get us started on every new flash-in-the-pan indie band banging on tin foil and cashing their trust fund checks to buy oversized neon green jumpers. They are just as bad and disposable as any of the others. For every new shiny exciting discovery this year, we also found plenty of grisly and decomposing tracks buried in shallow graves behind the woodshed.

Taylor Swift, "You Belong With Me"

Taylor Swift takes on the role of the outcast in this late summer hit, as the girl pining after her best guy friend. The other girl in the song is a stereotypical hot-ass cheerleader and Swift is the band geek in the bleachers. In what world would Swift be the refuse in this situation? Yeah, a six-foot tall long-legged blonde with a country twang is going to be thrown aside for a squatty spoiled cheer captain. Any high school guy would set his mother on fire to be a troll doll on Swift's keychain.

Owl City, "Fireflies"

This is just the Postal Service for kids weaned on...you know what? We don't even know what kids these days were weaned on. Is this from the Twilight or the Gossip Girl soundtrack? We watched the latter only once, because we were told that Hilary Duff was going to be in a three-way. What emotion is this supposed to elicit? Stuff like wonderment, fear, trepidation, excitement? The toys in the music video and the inexplicably Auto-tuned vocals make He Said want to scream until his testicles literally rupture in our jeans.

Flo Rida, "Right Round"

Since He Said doesn't go to HUSH on the weekends, he didn't even know this existed until he saw The Hangover over the summer. Flo Rida's producers sampled Dead Or Alive's "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)" for this track and also enlisted Ke$ha to lay down some Katy Perry-biting background vocals. This song belongs in a shallow grave with Peter Burns' severed useless penis.

Miley Cyrus, "Party In The USA"

This song sucked He Said in a few months ago, and makes us feel like a mouth-breathing, sweaty-palmed pervert. You can hear Miley's gums in the song creating a backing click track. He feels weird rocking out to a song with a 17-year-old complaining about her tummy hurting and going to clubs to dance. He knows how that song really goes, and it ends with him having to send out flyers and go door-to-door in our neighborhood making new friends.

Asher Roth, "I Love College"

This song is why He Said hates white people, and He Said is half-Anglo himself. The funny thing is that the neo-con bastards that are railing against the declining moral values of America under Barack Obama are paying the bills for the exact same lifestyle fostered in this song. Was college this cool? We don't remember because we spent three years making pizza for drunks to buy textbooks. LOLZ ROFL OMG.

Hollywood Undead, "Everywhere I Go"

He Said knows no one personally who enjoys this. In his travels, he has never met one person who voiced even an inkling of regard for Hollywood Undead. After he covered the Insane Clown Posse back in October quite humanely, he was made an honorary Juggalo, and even he hates this shit.

Shwayze, "Corona & Lime"

Have you guys ever seen that picture of that Cisco Adler kid's balls? The dude could cure cancer and AIDS, and that picture would be on the front page of The New York Times. Shwayze is a rapper that he latched onto a few years back and helped write an album for. Balls. Nuts. Sack. Hangers. Nuggets. Gonads. Plums. Rocks. The song sucks, too.


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