One thing that struck He Said while we were making this list was the lack of metal and/or punk rock associated with the women in our past. It's kind of odd that someone so dirty and haggard never dated anyone with a Crass patch on her denim jacket or Misfits tramp stamp. By looking at us, you would think that He Said's past would be riddled with second-hand Suicide Girls and angry bakers like Maggie Gyllenhaal's character in Stranger Than Fiction, ladies who carry knives and break bottles over other peoples heads in bar fights.
Alas, He Said has had the extreme luck to have been in the company of women who are way better than us in most fields. They are all bad-ass chicks with college degrees and the patience of Job to deal with someone whose idea of a nice night out is $10 worth of Popeye's and a Nicolas Cage marathon on TBS.
That said, we apologize for a list that resembles some sort of unholy Top 40 abortion. He Said wouldn't have picked some of these songs if it were our call, but relationships are a team sport, at least in our experience. We're not a fan of a lot of these artists, but it doesn't matter; we're linked for life for better or worse. Besides, we aren't sure if we want to date someone who knows more about Lemmy then we do. If you are mentioned in this list and see us in public, go easy on the face.
John Mayer, "Slow Dancing In A Burning Room"
When He Said hears this song, all he can think of us is cold sad beds, terse words, and my ex from Pearland. She sort of converted me into a John Mayer fan, a thing which has either caused more trouble than good. The song reminds me that sometimes things aren't always fixable, no matter how much love is involved. There are times when you have to row away from a situation before you both drown.
Hilary Duff, "Play With Fire"
He Said's ex-fiancée, Lady E, was a huge Hilary Duff fan for the four years we were dating. In a sense, He Said was dating Duff and Lady E, meaning that he would have to see all her movies the day they came out and buy the albums. Hell, there is even a Houston Press article floating around here somewhere about it.Justin Timberlake, "Bigger Than The World"
This reminds He Said of someone who came into his life at the exact perfect time, and still barrels him down with her humor and extraordinarily giving heart. She's probably going to be one of the first people to read this, too. He Said sort of screwed this one up, so he's going to sit this one out. Hey look, that cloud looks like a duck!
Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash, "Jackson"
This doesn't remind He Said of anyone, we just hope to be able to sing this on some drunken karaoke night with a future female companion is all. Ever since we got bitten by the Cash bug when we were little, we have revered Johnny and June's life together through all their trials, most of which were caused by Johnny's actions. We sort of identify with him in a way, the sense that he proves that women really do complete men.
Bob Schneider, "Losing You"
When Pearland Gal and He Said were in a weird break-up pattern, this song came on her iPod when we were driving home from her parents' ranch. We sat in abject silence on the way home, stupefied at how far off-course our relationship had gone. This song was the sadly perfect soundtrack for that time.
New Order, "Ceremony"
All we can think of is sitting in Lady E's parents driveway with this song playing, while we hugged each other one last time before we both ran off into the arms of other people. After four years of only knowing what it was like to go sleep thinking about her, this was a massive evening. He Said must have smoked a pack of cigarettes that night all by ourselves.
Billy Idol, "Mony Mony"
Whenever we would drive anywhere with Pearland Gal and this song came on, she would sing this at the top of her lungs to annoy us. It really is an awful song, but now it makes us laugh the hardest when we think of being stuck in a Mini Cooper and being held hostage by Billy Idol.
Kings Of Leon, "Fans"
Whenever Pearland Gal and He Said first started hanging out in late 2007, she was thumbing through our iPod one night on the way from drinking downtown. She went straight to this song and held our hand real tight for the very first time. At least it wasn't Slayer or GG Allin.
Ryan Adams, "Oh My God, Whatever, Etc./Everybody Knows"
He Said dated this wacky female music blogger from Austin for a few weeks in 2007, who was sexually obsessed with Ryan Adams and Harry Nilsson. She wrote for a few blogs around town out there and was super-cool. That was until she sang us a song she wrote about yours truly that sounded like warmed-over John Denver while we were in bed one afternoon. Plus a few other quirky details that we are leaving out... just because.
Wilco, "One Wing"
This is another song that reminds us of the girl from the Justin Timberlake song. There is nothing that He Said can really say about this one, other than he is still sort of processing what exactly happened. Let's just say we don't always understand the weight of our spoken words.