[Ed. Note: To go along with the cover story in this week's Houston Press, Rocks Off asked our writers to nominate a few local musical "Turkeys of the Year." Turns out there were quite a few from the hip-hop side of town. We'll unveil the biggest musical turkey of all tomorrow.]
Those Deer That Ran In Front of Solange Knowles' Tour Bus
We're certainly no Solange Knowles apologists -we laughed wholeheartedly when she reported on her twitter page that she almost OD'd on Nyquil pills. But when her tour bus plowed into that vicious herd of deer back in March, that in no way was her fault. We mean, it's pretty basic science: An 8,000-pound tour bus traveling east at 60 mph possesses about 480,000 Newtons of force. A herd of white-tail deer (let's say there are six, each weighing 450 lbs.) traveling north at 12 mph possesses about 32,400 Newtons of force.
If the two cross paths, the deer are gonna get their shit wrecked every time. They should've been the ones on the lookout. They had to covered this in deer school, right? Even if they didn't, common sense would tell you that if a bus is flying towards you, you might want to take a few steps to the left, to the left. (Wuddup, Beyonce? Call us.)
Okay, so let us sort this out. Chamillionaire had an album he was hoping to put out this past year? He wanted to call it Venom
? He designed the whole thing to reflect that sort of malevolent vibe that accompanies the word "venom"? Only, there were a bunch of label-to-artist-to-label creative differences and Cham got pissed and decided to just shelve the whole thing, hoping to never hear anything about it ever again? Then he created a brand-new album and offered his fans the chance to name it? And they voted to call it Venom
That actually happened?
Albert Walker Mondane, One of the Turds Who Shot Up Trae Day
Trae Day, an event put on by civic-minded rapper Trae tha Truth, was littered with gunfire in its waning moments. There were a ton of children around. Six people were shot, and a whole bunch of others were scared crapless. It was an awful moment in Houston's rap-related history. Eventually, Albert Walker Mondane, 19, turned himself in for his participation in the shooting. A few weeks later, several others were charged as well. Here's hoping that all of them step on a thumbtack twice in one day.
For shooting that lady with a pellet gun at a Houston concert. Have you ever been shot with a pellet gun? That shit is the worst.
Fake iPhones, Willie? That's how you're gonna go out? Were we the only ones disappointed in his choice of crimes?
Lil' Flip's Cornrows:
It's 2009, sir. Game over.
Because it's Rap-A-Lot.