We at Rocks Off are a bit puzzled by the continued practice of cramming ourselves into local malls on "Black Friday," or whatever we're calling the day after Thanksgiving this year (we perfer to remember it as a Megadeth song). Wasn't online shopping supposed to eliminate the need for wading through hordes of unwashed suburbanites, just like online banking was supposed to make building new branch locations a thing of the past?
The three Wachovia buildings within five minutes of our house answers that last question. And we know plenty of you are planning on braving the crowds to see if there are any copies of Modern Warfare 2 at the local Best Buy. So as you gird your loins for retail battle, feel free to take inspiration from these mall-themed videos.
Unsecured nuclear weapons, a shirtless Vladimir Putin, and shitty hip-hop are what we have to show for ten years of glasnost. If this guy is our reward for winning the Cold War, maybe we ought to think about rebuilding that wall in Berlin.
New Radicals, "You Get What You Give"
Frankly, it isn't very "radical" to call out Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson and then watch your career sink like a stone after one modest hit ten years ago. Or maybe it is - we never did have a very good grasp of this "irony" thing.
Menudo, "Shopping Mall"
We're not sure "Shopping Mall" is actually this song's name, but we're not going to spend another hour sifting through incoherent websites or risk the possibility that any more pictures of pre-adolescent boys in spandex pants will get saved in our image cache, thanks very much.
Iron Jesus, "Tectonic Shopping Mall Spree"
Yeah, we aren't sure what the hell is going on with this either. It would appear this Jesus person has an escalator fetish, and no sense of pitch.
Tiffany, "I Think We're Alone Now"
This was a bit of a no-brainer, as the running joke about Tiffany was that she only played malls (we're sure the Axiom would've welcomed her with open arms back in '88). We caught our college roommate -- well-known for his devotion to Frank Zappa and Pink Floyd - listening to this on three non-consecutive occasions, which proves nothing except man does not live by Atom Heart Mother alone.