New Moon, the second movie in the Twilight series, hits theaters this week, and even though the trailers alone have us ready to put it on our "Worst of 2009" lists ("Jake! NOOOO!"), there's no denying the movie is going to make more money than an underaged prostitute at a Promise Keepers convention. Midnight screenings are already sold out, and the legions of teens that flocked to the first film are now being joined by their mothers in an uncomfortable display of multi-generational lust we haven't seen since, well, that Chris Brown concert.
Part of the reason for our inability to comprehend the franchise's popularity is the horribly non-vampiric vampires on display. They don't drink human blood, they maximize their immortality by going to high school for a hundred years and they fucking sparkle in sunlight. We've read Sweet Valley High books with more menace. And while almost anybody would be more convincing as a nosferatu than Robert Pattinson and his pouty brethren, we've come up with a few likely contenders from the world of music.
Andrew Eldritch, Sisters of MercyPros: Rarely appears in daylight, has a cool name.
Cons: Do vampires wear aviators? Besides Blacula, we mean.
The Verdict: Even with no shirt on under his jacket and swinging that goddamn mike stand around, he's still ten times as butch as Pattinson.
And Patricia Morrison is 50 times the woman Kristen Stewart is.
PrincePros: Skinny, ageless, pansexual.
Cons: We're pretty sure no self-respecting vampire would write "Cloreen Baconskin."
The Verdict: Iffy, but he'd give Dracula himself a run for his money in the "brides of" category.
Peter Murphy, BauhausPros: Gaunt, drives the "Bauhearse," emerges from coffins on stage. Then there's the matter of that song he sings about that guy who played that famous monster..."Boris Karloff's Deceased," or something.
Cons: We don't care if you are the Godfather of Goth (or, given his conversion to Islam, the Ayatollah of Angst), there's nothing very menacing about that combover.
The Verdict: Grandfathered in, but we're going to need another Bauhaus reunion tour to seal the deal.
Jack White, White Stripes/Raconteurs/The Dead WeatherPros: Is a dead ringer for Lon Chaney, Sr. in London After Midnight, and he's not even wearing (much) makeup.
Cons: Would drain musical collaborators of blood after duets, meaning no more Loretta Lynn records.
Pros Revisited: Would also mean no more James Bond songs with Alicia Keys.
The Verdict: If White's really one of the children of the night, and they're eternally at war with lycanthropes, does that mean Jason Stollsteimer of the Von Bondies is a werewolf?
Cristina Scabbia, Lacuna CoilPros: Vampire queens are supposed to be hot and look upon mortals as mewling worms, and she certainly qualifies.
Cons: "Scabbia" seems like more of a zombie queen name.
The Verdict: It might be helpful to have an actual Mediterranean person on hand for those Volturi scenes. And we're kind of surprised they haven't put any Lacuna Coil on the already tortured adolescent soundtrack.
Among those who didn't make the cut: Marilyn Manson (too obvious). Glenn Danzig (too short), Blackie Lawless (too Christian).