If The Late Show with David Letterman hasn't seemed very funny lately, it's probably because Dave has been spending more time apologizing for banging his subordinates than he has making fun of Paul Shaffer. Admittedly, it was a bold move: coming forward and confessing his past missteps in order to expose the extortion attempt against him. Then again, the guy blackmailing him tried to cash a $2 million check; obviously we're not dealing with Professor Moriarty.
In the spirit of Letterman's most notable contribution to entertainment, here's the official Rocks Off Top Ten List of Songs to Listen to While Having Sex with Co-Workers. And remember, it wasn't sexual harassment because Worldwide Pants Inc.'s employee policy doesn't forbid relationships between managers and employees. Lucky break, that.
10. Weezer, "Miss Sweeney"
We prefer to think the desperate yearning expressed by lyrics like "you make the rain clouds disappear" is closer to Letterman's feelings when nailing younger women in subordinate positions. We suspect, however, he just repeatedly hit the "glass breaking" button as he climaxed.
9. Patti Scialfa, "Lucky Girl"
Scialfa probably gets more grief than she should. After all, she was an accomplished musician before joining the E Street Band in 1984. Then again, what are the odds she would've held on to that Columbia Records contract after three tepid-selling albums if she wasn't married to The (literal) Boss? Lucky girl, indeed.
8. Lil Wayne, "Secretary"
"Because of her I never learned how to roll a blunt?" "She goes home at ten 'til I need her to clock back in?" We're not sure what the perks are, but this sounds like a really shitty job. Of course, now we really know what's in those cigars we always see Dave smoking.
7. The Avett Brothers "Pretend Love"
Honesty is the best policy when engaging in workplace hanky-panky. From the apparent lack of animosity on the part of his past partners, it appears Dave at least took the part of the song about his love not going further than family and friends to heart when discussing the relationship. That, or he let them wear the Velcro Suit.
6. Ween, "Don't Shit Where You Eat"
Fine, the only thing office-related in this is the title, which is a charming admonition against office dalliances that Letterman apparently ignored. Then again, when you're a celebrated former Academy Awards host, the world - and the workplace - are your oysters.
5. My Chemical Romance, "Cubicles"
You'd think one of the perks of shtupping the host of Late Night would be that you didn't have to work in a cubicle, which - let's face it - isn't an ideal location for a nooner. Then again, we'd think one of the perks of writing for Rocks Off would be not having to listen to My fucking Chemical Romance.
4. Sawyer Brown, "The Secretary Song"
We can't tell if the protagonist of this song is a mailroom clerk or just the guy who operates the booth at the parking garage. Either way, his confusion as to what "All those CPAs" with their "three-piece suits" have to offer a girl (as opposed to the many advantages presented by his minimum-wage/maximum-deductible health-care ass) is touching, in a pathetic kind of way.
3. Belle & Sebastian, "Step into My Office, Baby"
We're not big B&S fans, but we have to credit them with making the most disarmingly precious tune about sexual harassment ever.
2. Johnny Paycheck, "Take This Job and Shove It"
Written by David Allan Coe, made famous by Johnny Paycheck (second only to Gary U.S. Bonds as our favorite monetarily monikered singer), the song doesn't seem to be about sex...or does it? "You better not try and stand in my way?" "One of these days I'm gonna blow my top/ And that sucker, he's gonna pay?" "This job" is obviously a metaphor for the narrator's cock, and he's going to "shove it" somewhere uncomfortable if you continue to antagonize him. Or maybe we're reading too much into this.
1. Barenaked Ladies, "Conventioneers"
BNL has it right: if you're going to dip into an officemate's sugar doughnut, you do it miles away at the semi-annual sales conference, where liquor flows freely and the Three River Rule is in full effect. Plus, you can expense those condoms.