Get out your towels: R. Kelly is coming to town. The singer would be best known as "that guy who sang that song in the Michael Jordan/Bugs Bunny movie" if not for the allegations in 2002 that he engaged in sex with an underage girl. Kelly was found not guilty of child porn charges last year, but thanks to file-sharing sites and Dave Chappelle, he's now forever destined to be remembered as "that guy who [allegedly] pissed on a 14-year-old."
Kelly's "Ladies Make Some Noise!" tour, with special guest Pleasure P, comes to Reliant Arena this Friday. And while we at Rocks Off aren't sure what kind of sounds you're supposed to make when an R&B artist starts urinating on you, we are sure that none of these micturition-related melodies will be on Kelly's set list.
More's the pity.
Frank Zappa, "Yellow Snow"
Kelly was far more of a "naughty eskimo" than the main character of this song, though we don't recommend he try his usual urine-related shenanigans with Nanook. Criminal indictments are a lot easier to recover from than a harpoon in the gut.
Ween, "Piss Up a Rope"
Rocks Off would like it said, for the record, that if R. Kelly ever covers a Ween song in concert, we will allow him to piss on an undisclosed member of our the Dallas Observer writing staff.
The Mentors, "Golden Shower"
The Mentors are on a short list of bands (that also includes Gorelord, Anal Cunt and the Spice Girls) that Rocks Off will deny ever listening to if questioned on the subject by our children. This song is probably as accurate as any at capturing Kelly's actual mindset while in the act, however.
Kelly might be the most famous artist associated with pissing on other people, but Chris Martin is the one we'd personally like to make "all yellow." Then, as a bonus, he could write a bland, meandering ballad about the experience.
Jane's Addiction, "Standing in the Shower...Thinking"
There's an obvious alternative to urinating on others, and the way Perry Farrell and company describe it here, pissing on yourself (while the water hits your neck) sounds almost pleasurable. It's also - as of this writing - still legal, so maybe Kelly could maintain his underage jones by watching Full House reruns at the same time.
The Jesus Lizard, "My Own Urine"
On second thought, this might be a bad choice. Kelly obviously has enough...personality issues without lines like "My own urine and/ Someone else's blood" to give him ideas. Then again, it isn't like there's already a precedent for popular entertainers getting away with murder.