|Sorry, we couldn't resist...|
King of R&B. Ghostwriter supreme. Pop genius. Unabashed sex fiend. Bump 'n' grind horndog. Acquited pedophile. Ultimately, history will decide whether or not R. Kelly deserves some, all, or any of these labels, but here are two facts that aren't in dispute: 1) the guy has written and produced some of the sauciest, raunchiest, funniest songs in recent memory, and 2) that June's The Demo Tape
mixtape - Kells' first - was an unforgivable piece of garbage.
Since doing his fanbase a solid with 2007's Double Up
, Kells has been busy (improbably) beating a child sex-abuse rap and polishing the oft-delayed Untitled
, due out December 1. Now he's embarked on a full-scale tour, which means his road crew will have to do tons of trim coordination and that you, the R. Kelly ticket holder, must exercise your unalienable right to demand unrealistic song covers during the show. Here are a few suggestions:
Leona Lewis, "Bleeding Love"
Doesn't matter that this is a no-frills, no-kink pop song about a lover's distress originally sung by a British songbird. Kells could kill this, just totally knock it out of the park. Obviously, "bleeding" could be swapped out for "skeeting," completely and utterly warping and tarting up the core message of the tune.
Foo Fighters, "Everlong"
Hey, if Dave Grohl and company can swing a hard-rock take on Prince's salacious "Darling Nikki," Kells can take a crack at the Foos' bombastic-yet-sinuous relationship/band-fidelity classic. After all, "Everlong" is That One Foo Fighters Song That Even Non-Foo Fighters Addicts know, right?
Surely, Kells tours with a backing band that could handily recreate those soaring guitar riffs and smashing drums, and given the multitude of times that the word "long" crops up in the lyrics, the opportunities for direct or indirect sexual innuendo are legion here. Imagine Kells, like, headbanging! The mind boggles. Ours does, anyway.
"I'm a Little Teapot" (traditional)
Yeah, we know - this one's much better suited for sexpot divas like Lady GaGa, Katy Perry or Britney Spears. But how sureally awesome would it be to hear Kells croon children-rhyme corn like "Tip me over and pour me out" like he was having a full-on Rain Man
breakdown in the V.I.P. area of an exclusive nightclub?