"Look, Mom. You and Roger always said 'no pills and no powders' so what's the big deal? You don't think I smelled the backyard after that barbecue? The one where all of Roger's geeky college buddies showed up and listened to Temple Of The Dog all night on repeat and that one guy fell asleep next to my Jetta. You suck so hard. I told all my friends the other night that you were cool for letting me get my tongue pierced but now I can tell you were just trying to get on my good side so I wouldn't tell Dad about you selling his autographed Smiths drum head after the divorce. But for reals, I swear I only smoked once."