So R. Kelly's newest single is called "Number One." Seriously? Okay, we know Kelly was found innocent of all child-related golden-shower charges by a jury of 12 idiots, but when the subject of Dave Chappelle's "(I Wanna) Piss On You" releases a single called "Number One"... sorry, but we have to believe he is now simply taunting us.
We taxed our brains to their very limits, and we were able to think of ten (as-yet) fictional songs that would be only slightly less inappropriate. Have a look - you know you want to...
1. Bobby Brown, "She Was Asking For It"
"You try to say it's my fault / But, baby I ain't sold / It's not like I asked you / To serve my dinner cold"
2. Billy Joel, "Baby I'm a Wreck"
"I laid awake so long last night / I feel a crash coming on / I can't see around the corners / Of this road I'm racing on"
3. Jerry Lee Lewis, "Young Love"
"It's easily relatable / Not at all debatable / I fell for you like rain falls from above / I'm not an evil man / Lord, I wish they'd understand / Our young love"
4. George Jones, "Slow and Unsteady (The Lawnmower Song)"
"Exactly 5 miles an hour / Not much torque, not much power / But it's the only thing she left for me to use / She hid away all my keys / But I sure do hope she sees / That nothin's gonna keep me from my booze"
5. Elvis Presley, "A Bitter Pill"
"My head is aching, my eyes are blurry / I can't read the directions I should follow / I'm in such bad shape, even my Mama's worried / Your love's a bitter pill I have to swallow"
6. Courtney Love, "Damn Straight It Was Me"
"By now it should be obvious I lied / By now you know, it wasn't suiciiiiiIIIIIIIIEEEEEEGGGHHHH" (rest of song is unintelligible screaming)
7. South Park Mexican, "Lock Up Your Kids"
You know I don't give a fuck if I make you sick / and the neighborhood watch can suck my dick / So quit your cryin' and grab a hold of my hand / I got some candy for ya in my windowless van
8. Glen Campbell, "Hit and Run"
"You left me lyin' in the road / Before our love could even start / With "Ford" written backwards across my face / And tire treads on my heart"
9. Whitney Houston, "I Was Asking For It"
He's not a bad man / He just gets angry sometimes / You don't understand / How good he treats me half the time"
10. Gary Glitter, "I Feel Like Feeling a Boy Again"
Nope, sorry. Everything we came up with was too dark and too gross, even for this blog.