Houston Music Fight Club: Brett Koshkin vs. Ceeplus Bad Knives, Late Nite Pie vs. Mai's, Nick Gaitan vs. ???

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This week brings three new bouts and a special announcement to all past winners and losers of our imaginary brawls on Houston Music Fight Club. Next Tuesday, Rocks Off is presenting David Fincher's Fight Club at our (mostly) weekly Movie Nite at the Mink. We would like all past winners and losers to attend this lovely screening of the most controversial movie of 1999 that didn't involve footage shot on a shaky Handicam, a dead Bruce Willis or Kevin Spacey jacking off in the shower.

Pickings are getting slim over here in the basement of Houston Music Fight Club. We were thinking the other day that more real fights should happen around here. No, we are not challenging anyone to a real fight. Why? Was someone talking shit? We carry a knife, ya know. We don't suffer fools. Wait. Don't tell anyone that. Please? We have a few tickets we haven't paid and um, we are hemophiliacs.

Brett Koshkin Vs. Ceeplus BadKnives

What's funny about this one is that Koshkin actually asked us to have him fight Eric Castillo, aka Ceeplus BadKnives. What was sick about it was that Koshkin kept rubbing his newly-trimmed beard all perverted-like when he was asking us, leading us to believe there may be some weirdness there. Violent or something else. He kept saying they are "good" friends, and we believe him, but people don't rub their beards like that unless something is up. So here you go...

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Castillo is Houston's underground DJ laureate, in the same way that DJ Sun is now the elder statesman of the spinning scene. Castillo seems to DJ almost every single cool-ass party, where all the girls look super cute and the boys pay extra to look sketchy. He and Dan Castillo (no relation) are about to take up residency in Warehouse Live's Green Room with a semi-weekly party.

Koshkin has been doing his "Dirty Honey" thing at Boondocks once a month on Saturdays for about two years now, and just returned from Europe where he did a stint of spinning for the usually electro-crazed masses. He said the crowds initially didn't know what to think of all the vintage funk and soul he was throwing down, but got into it soon enough.

Winner: Erring on the side of WTF, we give this one to Koshkin, merely because he has this stout stance about him that reminds us of a high school football player. He always reminded us of this really chill lineman we know back in school that would smoke with the "'bangers" on the weekends, except without all the cool obscure-as-shit soul records that Koshkin spins. The funk DJ would probably do that one-movement shove you learn in football practice and buy Castillo a Pearl for his trouble.

Late Nite Pie Vs. Mai's

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When it comes to late-evening, post-boozing foodage, one mostly looks for cheese and meat. Unless you are a vegan, then you go home and eat an apple or something we guess. For Rocks Off, it's always been one of these two, usually the night we get paid anyway. Otherwise, when we are poor we usually head home and eat Ramen and watch Short Circuit again.

The drunken broods that inhabit both of these places after closing time couldn't be any different, with Mai's attracting the Midtown club crowd and LNP bringing in the surlies from Westheimer. We have been at both completely sideways, and the experiences don't change. No matter what, we wake up the next morning with garlic breath and sauce on our shoes for some reason. We once drank a cup of LNP's garlic sauce on a dare and lived like monks for two months. Good call, bro.

You haven't lived until you have seen a big group of Vietnamese girls fight another group screaming obscenities in their native tongue and liberally sprinkling a few "fucks" and "bitches" in for good 'hood measure up in Mai's. Likewise, drunk and hungry people don't cotton well to having to wait for their pizzas. We have stories, oh do we have stories.

Winner: Whataburger for the win! Yeah, we have all been there. Shit is busy all over, and the taquitos come calling like a lonely friend in the night, who won't make you wait for an hour and tell you how high he is. Then you hear that old dude's voice in your head from the commercials and you say "What the hell? Tomorrow is Tuesday. No problem. I have sick days." Just make sure to have a copy of your favorite local weekly paper near the toilet for reading material, Mr. Extra Jalapenos, Triple Cheese and Mayonnaise.

Nick Gaitan vs. ???

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We have been meaning to get Mr. Gaitan into a brawl for a while, but couldn't think of another bassist in town who is as accomplished. Do you wanna fight Nick Gaitan? He plays bass in Billy Joe Shaver's band. Shaver carries a gun. I mean, Rocks Off carries two guns, but those are just for the ladies...

If you think you can fight Nick, sans firearms, e-mail Houston Music Fight Club at this handy address and one of our space monkeys will get back to you.

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