It always happens: you and your friends toss back a few beers and the talk turns to what celebrities and models you find attractive. At first it starts out innocent enough, arguing the merits of Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, Marissa Miller or Paula Deen. Well that last name is actually just our own fantasy. We think it has something to do with the use of butter and the whole "mama" thing.
But somewhere along the line, someone says out loud, "Well, what guys do you think are good looking?" One of your less enlightened buddies will go apeshit and call everyone a "homo" and walk away to text his girlfriend while the rest of you sit back and wax nostalgic on Russell Crowe in Gladiator
or Ewan McGregor in almost anything. They are called man-crushes, formerly unspeakable vices that were once verboten but now, in our more open society, can roam shirtless and free like Gerard Butler in 300
. We know plenty dudes who are "Gay-tham for Jason Statham," for example.
The rock world is rife with man-crush-worthy guitar-slingers and front men. Some dudes are just born with something that magnetizes both sexes. It's not as fun as it sounds, believe us. It's not easy being born with such a deep and flowing, almost animalistic, attractiveness. We have a brain too (sob).
Caleb Followill, Kings Of Leon:
We don't know if it's the hair or the sweat, or the music but we always find ourselves staring at this dude the way a fat kid stares down a Cold Stone Creamery.
Josh Homme, Queens Of The Stone Age:
They don't call him "The Red Elvis" for nothing, with all his hip-swiveling and sneering. Plus he's like eight-feet tall, and you know what they say about tall dudes: they have to wear longer pants.
What? It's a chick? For a minute there we were kind of worried we had taken a turn into tranny-lovin' territory. It was a natural progression we guess. You have to admit she's got a dude vibe working.
The Daft Punk Robots:
Screw you for judging us. You mean to tell us you never kinda thought that Darth Vader had it going on? The whole cape-and-helmet thing? Well, more for us then.
This probably means we are officially in the running for the most narcissistic man alive. What can we say; ya gotta go with what you know best. If anything we could bond over hair-loss stories.
Lemmy Kilmister, Motorhead:
Cocoa Pebbles on his face aside, who doesn't love a doddering old British speed freak with a penchant for Nazi paraphernalia?
Our girlfriend - yes, we have one - sort of reawakened this old crush that had been lying dormant for a few years inside us. When this dude runs for President in 30 years, he's got our vote.
This is one of those man-crushes that you only tell to like two people in your lifetime and they stop talking to you for a months afterwards.
Thomas "Pig Champion" Roberts, Poison Idea:
Got to give some to the fat boys out there, ya know? You don't pick the people you fall in love with. The self-described "fattest man in hardcore" held down guitar duties for Poison Idea until he passed away a few years back at the ripe age of 47. Well, when you weigh 500 pounds 47 might as well be 87.
Clyde "Chap" Lipman, The Beets:
Lipman played drums in the fictional band The Beets on the Nickelodeon children's show Doug
. They only had a handful of hits, including "Killer Tofu" and " I Sneezed On My Face." Now excuse us while we put the finishing touches on these erotic drawings of Bleeding Gums Murphy and drink a gallon of turpentine.