Are You a Washington Avenue Douchebag? Read This and Find Out

Categories: Lists, WTF Island
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In the past weeks since word sprung forth that Walter's On Washington would be moving, in no small part due to the influx of upper-crust cats looking for love in all the right places at Washington Avenue's nouveau-trendy bars, the word "douchebag" has made a big resurgence.

The blogs and tweets of Houston's Twitterati were abuzz with shame over the fact that the venerable indie club was leaving the Avenue for bigger, more hospitable digs elsewhere, due to the "douchey" new bars and clubs that have been dotting the strip for almost three years now. The word was used as a noun, pronoun, verb, adverb, adjective, conjunction and preposition. Even then, it was quickly usurped in the quickly-moving Internet world by the term "shitpurse," which was actually coined in-house by our own John Gray.

But just what is it that makes a douchebag a douchebag? We quickly found out that douchebags can be male or female. The term is wholly gender-neutral, but it almost always describes young, affluent Caucasians who aren't as hip and earthy as other hipster whitefolk who apparently take it upon themselves to classify everyone else as a sort of cultural chore. It reminds us of the epic greasers versus the socs battles from The Outsiders.

Rocks Off came up with our own sort of Cosmo quiz to tell if you're a douchebag or not. If three or more of the following describe you, your table at Pearl Bar - bottle service only, of course - is ready.

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Social Activities. It is always someone's goddamned bachelorette party every weekend. The street is awash with veils and glittery T-shirts proclaiming who is the soon-to-be-hitched gal. Don't poor people get married anymore? Do this shit right and jet to Vegas and make some mistakes in another state altogether.

Howdy, Sailor. Expect roving bands of guys with side-swept Kennedy hair, rosy cheeks, dressed like they just anchored their schooner off Martha's Vineyard. Seriously, we don't fucking know if these guys put on rouge or get a big ol' kiss from Mom before they leave or what. We kiss our mothers before we go out too, but it's so she will give us extra booze money.

Skull Fuckery. Rock chic has become a big trend too over the past year, along with silver jewelry of all kinds being adorned by dudes and chicks alike out there. Everything in the metal or rock style is regurgitated through this weird "Hot Topic for Adults" filter, with skulls and gothic lettering on every, goddamned, thing. Investment banker by day, Criss Angel Mindfreak by night.

Racial Enlightenment. Wry political commentary abounds, with most of the conversations surrounding the crimes and ineptitude of minorities, but they all seem to get their collective freak on to pretty much anything made by someone with brown skin. This is either out of guilt, or omission. Funny enough, they willfully hand over the keys to those same minorities to valet their cars at every single bar they hop, sometimes at $10 a pop.

Depilatory Vigilance. And finally, the shaved-arms thing. We get that it shows off definition and whatnot, but how many women out there want to gently fall asleep in the freshly shorn and lotioned arms of their male companion? We have enough trouble keeping our important parts trimmed and secured without worrying about shaving our arms.

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