By now, the news about former Sugar Land Congressman Tom DeLay's impending appearance on ABC's Dancing with the Stars has had time to sink in, and the long-term ramifications of this colossal melding of two of our greatest loves (reality television and the suffering of others) are starting to become clearer. To say mankind is doomed would be putting it mildly.
But there'll be plenty of time to mourn the collapse of civilization later. Now is the time to concern ourselves with serious issues; specifically, what songs will DeLay actually dance to?
M.C. Hammer, "Here Comes the Hammer" An obvious choice, perhaps, but DeLay and the former Stanley Burrell could swap a few stories about the fleeting nature of success as well as the importance of sound financial and legal advice. Still, it's hard to imagine anything more horrifyingly awesome that DeLay making his entrance on the show to this song, while wearing his own pair of 'Hammer pants.' Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh indeed.
Ultravox, "Dancing with Tears in My Eyes": DeLay has actually been rather stoic throughout his many travails, as evidenced by that famous grinning mug shot. It leads to the inevitable question: is he really that dead on the inside, or does he harbor a deep and secret self-loathing that emerges in only the most private of moments? If it's the latter, we expect a spectacular emotional breakdown while DeLay hoofs it to the overwrought cries of Midge Ure.
Alejandro Escovedo, "Always a Friend": Featuring a surprise guest appearance by Jack Abramoff. Would a tearful reunion ensue? Or would it be a fight to the death between two men wielding ten-pound bags of Indian casino chips? Whatever, I predict a
John Lennon, "How Do You Sleep?": Paul McCartney's perceived offenses - "living with the straights" and making "Muzak" among them - pale next to DeLay's illegal political contributions and gerrymandering the state of Texas. And unfortunately for DeLay, he can't respond to the titular question with Sir Paul's answer: "On a mattress stuffed with million dollar bills."
Garth Brooks, "Shameless": In deference to reports that The Hammer is actually a pretty decent two-stepper, we'll use the Garth Brooks version of this Billy Joel song. And true to the song's title, we have serious doubts that DeLay would offer anything but his dazzling rictus of a smile when the title of the song was announced. His flinty eyes would offer only the barest trace of anger, though he might inadvertantly leave partner Julianne Hough with several finger bruises.