That's the sound of us thinking about Taylor Hicks. For the uninitiated, it's a fart noise, meant to denote a lack of candor or warmth. In another case of the Good Lord shitting the bed of mankind, Hicks is coming to Houston next month to play "Teen Angel" (Frankie Valli's role) in Theater Under the Stars' production of Grease at the Hobby Center - which we don't care about, hence the loud flatulence. The experience starts September 8 and runs five days or so; we are currently praying to various pagan deities to conjure a hurricane that week.
Hicks won American Idol
in 2006, beating out resident HPOA Katherine McPhee, in one of the most tragic reality-television moments since that tax-evading queen won the first season of Survivor
. Never mind the fact that we still do not understand the appeal behind AI
or the fact that Americans saw fit to anoint a "special" looking, prematurely gray-haired, karaoke-grade crooner as its "idol."
Even our own mother, who is usually easily swayed by pre-recorded canned pop music and bright lights on the television, hates Taylor Hicks. She even went as far to claim that he looks like he is "not all there," which are pretty harsh words from the lady that raised the likes of us.
If you bought tickets to this staging of Grease
merely because you want to see Hicks, we pity you. We can even get behind Grease
in a sort of closeted homoerotic way. The whole show is just a bunch of coyly clunky double entendres, which we can appreciate in a stoned eight-year-old sort of way. But if you shelled out cash just to see a salt-and-pepper Frankenstein's monster lumber onstage like Lenny from Of Mice and Men
, then you are beyond repair.
To date, Hicks' self-titled 2006 LP is the lowest-selling album of any Idol
contestant. That's right folks; he is the worst-selling of the worst of the best dregs of the reality-television approved singers of fake plastic pop. Either way, he makes more money than us, so he is infinitely better than us. Which we are cool with. We just had to say that to throw off the slew of angry "Soul Patrol" shock troops we hope to bait. Yeah, we know you guys perform charity work, but so did Jim Jones and David Koresh.
We collected a handful of videos for you peruse of Hicks' "career" from the beginning of his AI career to whatever aural rape he is committing now.
American Idol Debut:
"He emanates hotness in this performance" says the poster of this video. So did Hiroshima, by the way:
Explaining the Soul Patrol cult:
"Crazy Little Thing Called Love":
"Gin And Juice" feat. Snoop Dogg:
We didn't forget you, Claymates: