He Said She Said: Songs Guaranteed to Offend the Opposite Sex

Chicks, man. Can't live with them, can't play music that objectifies them while in the car on the first date. What's up with that? You play one song with the queen mother c-word in it and she leaves the car before we get our complimentary paper crowns.

We compiled a list of songs guaranteed to offend the lady in your life, especially if she's a prude or, ya know, has a degree in something or other. We never asked what it was in because right before we were going to, the DJ started playing "Warm Leatherette" and we got distracted.

GG Allin, "Bite It You Scum": There's pretty much not a single song in this crooner's canon that doesn't offend someone. We were going to use "I'm Going To Rape You" but we couldn't find a suitable video that wasn't just a slideshow of 14-year old scene chicks making MySpace faces. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Plus this song is catchier than "Cornhole Lust." This song also has a Houston connection, seeing that 10th Grade Cutie covers it acoustically from time to time.

David Allan Coe, "Don't Bite The Dick": We first heard this song at a family reunion when we were little, and our lives were forever changed for the worst. Man, you guys have to get to El Campo some weekend. We didn't realize that DAC wrote songs that weren't about cum, asses, or fucking until we found a greatest-hits collection at thrift store in junior high. At its best the song is a cautionary tale for women every where. At it's worst, it's DAC telling a woman how to make mouth love to him.

The Mentors "On The Rag": The monthly natural bill is quite the affair for both men and women alike, and El Duce had the foresight to express that frustration through the majesty of song. Remember that El Duce was the weird feller that claimed that Courtney Love offered him $50,000 to kill her husband Kurt Cobain. The "rape-rock" band continues to tour to this day with a new singer, as Duce was killed in a train accident in 1997.

AC/DC, "The Jack": This song, upon its release on the band's stellar T.N.T. album, made Bon Scott's wife divorce him over the songs overtly-honest lyrics about his sexual escapades on tour. Somehow the band's second lead singer Brian Johnson could never match the lyrically content of Scott. Maybe it had something to do with Scott being a walking STD catalog.

Black Flag "Slip It In": We love Black Flag, and this song is one of our favorite songs of the Rollins era. On the outset this song is about date rape, but the female backing vocals from future L7 member Suzi Gardner kinda turn the story on its proverbial head. We can definitely see how it would offend non-hardcore chicks. Sample lyric: "You're not loose, you're wide open."

Ghostface Killah feat. Redman, "Greedy Bitches": Bitch better stay away from my Oreos? OK, we agree. She better not trifle with our Oreos. Especially the double-stuffed ones.

Aborted, "Nailed Through Her Cunt": Ah man, grindcore dudes can do anything when they sing all gravely over all those blast-beats. You can pretty much sing anything because it's not like you are selling a million records, right? Hell, why not sing a song about putting nails in someone's vagina?

Nas, "The Makings Of A Perfect Bitch": Women like this don't exist and never will exist. We can't believe that this song didn't inspire some hip-hop remake of Weird Science with like Rosario Dawson or something as the star. But the song has a strange Frankenstein bent. We like chicks that aren't stitched together like rag dolls. It's just this hang-up we have.

Playboy 7, "Why Men Hate Women So Much": Why don't you cry about it? Jesus Christ, just be gay if you hate them so much, right? You guys are from Las Vegas, home of some of the most epic drag queens imaginable. If anything you could have a friend to play XBox 360 the next morning.

Slick Rick, "A Love That's True": Listening to old Slick Rick tracks makes us feel bad for buying the first two Streets albums, seeing that the white boy stole everything from Rick. Remember the Streets? That guy that Spin magazine fell in love with like eight years ago? Looked like a British Steve-O, but without all the nitrous cans.

Apparently sex sells, so here's that GG Allin video after all...

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