He Said She Said: A Stripper Soundtrack, Part 2
You can leave your hat on...but get the rest of that kit off fast. The ladies don't mess around when it comes to superficially hot, oiled-up dudes (of questionable sexuality, but does that really matter?) getting naked on the stage at La Bare. But because the musical content at places like Chippendale's et al ranges from mildly obnoxious pop to oh-God-why levels of aural insanity, here are a few songs we ladies wouldn't mind seeing you take your clothes off to -- on the stage or in the bedroom.
1. Missionary Man, The Eurythmics: Rarely was Annie Lennox this smoking hot. You can take a few tips from the sultry, warbling sounds and pounding beat of this 1980s hit to kick your routine into high gear. Not to mention you can totally exploit the title to show all the ways that you aren't a "missionary" man all the time.
2. Take A Bow, Madonna: Because nothing's hotter than a bullfighter. Well, maybe only to some of us. But still: Tight pants, cape whipping around, an overly intricate blouse/vest ordeal that we just want to see ripped off? It's a winner all around.
3. Rock You Like a Hurricane, Scorpions: This one just begs for extraordinary pyrotechnics...or, at the very least, some excellent stage lighting. Make sure your strip club stage manager is on top of that shit. What? Strip clubs don't have stage managers? Whatever. Work it like a crazy 80s German rock star and the ladies will lap it up.
4. You're So Vain, Carly Simon: Seriously. Ascot? Polyester three-piece suit? Some kind of straw hat? Pretending you're ambling semi-drunkenly onto a yacht? That is stagecraft right there. Just pretend you're Warren Beatty in Shampoo and work that 70s cheese until the ladies call you George.
5. Doo Wop, Lauryn Hill: So 70s and 80s cheese aren't your thing? You're a sophisticated stripper, looking for a smooth yet tongue-in-cheek song to shake your cheeks to? Try Lauryn Hill's 50s inspired R&B hit from 1998. Just do us all a favor and resist shaking your thing every time she sings about "that thing."
6. Thong Song, Sisqo: If you're in the market for something even more straighforward and unforgettably abrasive, Sisqo has you covered. Although the only way this could possible work out for the best is if the stripper in question has a sturdy sense of humor and the kind of physique one actually wants to see in a thong. Hmm...this might not be the best choice.
7. White & Nerdy, Weird Al Yankovic: ...but if the stripper in question has a sturdy sense of humor and the kind of body that no one wants to see in a thong, much less half-clothed, this song is ideal. However, if would also work for a hot guy in glasses. Think the male version of a sexy librarian -- geek chic -- and the ladies will be checking out more than just books.
8. Hungry Eyes, Eric Carmen: No list is complete without this ultimate 80s "dirty dancing" hit from the eponymous movie. It's made even more historic by star Patrick Swayze's infamous Saturday Night Live skit with Chris Farley. Just make sure that you're more of the Patrick dancer than the Chris dancer and you should have a flawless routine.
9. Wrap It Up, Fabulous Thunderbirds: This sweaty, bluesy rocker will have the ladies swooning as soon as you hit the stage, especially if you unwrap-it-up as you go.
10. Leave Your Hat On, Joe Cocker: Made famous first by Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks, then by a bunch of pale, schlubby guys in The Full Monty, you too can own this song and make it your own. Just don't forget the hat.