Rocks Off has a naked lady fetish. It's shameful to admit. We really like seeing naked chicks. It's been something we have dealt with since we were four years old and started sneaking into the women's dressing room when our Mom would go clothes shopping. It's not so cute today, what with the beard and druid's cloak.
Once we got older and were dominated by peer pressure, we found ourselves in some random strip club every few months or so. We soon found that our demanding musical tastes dictated which women we would patronize. If a dancer came out to whatever hip-hop song was popular at the time - say, some Nelly cut - we sat down and fumbled with our cell phone with indifference.
Upon our first trip to a strip club, we saw a dancer named Ivory dance to Pantera's "Walk." It was a magical experience, one that has forever etched the song into our brains not as the band's finest five minutes, but as the soundtrack to a nursing student's quest to afford textbooks. She was a talker, that one.
After a horrific brainstorming session, we came up with ten tracks we'd love to see a stripper dance to. Chances are we would never hear any of these songs at a real-life strip club unless the Suicide Girls opened one up, or Rocks Off did ourselves. Hmm...
White Stripes, "Seven Nation Army": The slow rumble of the opening, and Meg White's uber-tribal drumming would be awesome on some dimly lit stage. Nothing gets the blood flowing like a bucket of indie neo-blues.
Detroit Cobras, "Cha Cha Twist": Rachel Nagy's smoky howl would work for us, especially if the dancer put a Latin twist on the dance. It would take a special woman, we have to say.
Little Richard, "The Girl Can't Help It": This Little Richard track pretty much personifies everything that a quality stripper should be. Her smile can cook you up a mean steak, and a mere wink makes toast. Suck it, Ron Popeil.
The Stooges, "I Wanna Be Your Dog": Iggy Pop always had a slither to his dancing, and it was vaguely feminine. This track for the Stooges first album would be sickeningly filthy. The only thing that's a sticking point is the canine references. To each his/her own, we guess.
Devo "Girl U Want": For at least three minutes, every featured dancer is the very essence of this song, if she's good at least. Plus the idea of a Mark Mothersbaugh composition soundtracking nekkid boobs would be awfully indie-rock. Can you imagine if Wes Anderson opened up a strip-club? Some Brazilian dude in the corner dressed up like a cowboy playing Stones songs in Portuguese, while Bill Murray drolly announces the next stripper - who just happens to also be an heiress to a cracker-factory fortune.
Sparks, "Angst In My Pants": We are pretty sure that this song is about erections, but we haven't, like, asked anyone with any authority. Though when we searched Google for the song, we were "tricked" into acquiring a "prescription" for Levitra.
Romeo Void "Never Say Never": "I'd like you better if we slept together" is a sentiment that most everyone can get behind, we believe. Plus, the raunchy sax solo should be a strip-club staple no matter what.
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club "Love Burns": Damn, girl! You gon' burn down the place! We would probably throw the keys to our car to the bouncer if this came on. Screw it - we'd sell the car and give her the money. Chances are she would also have a Murder City Devils tramp stamp.
Muse "Super Massive Black Hole": This sounds like a good idea, plus it would make your stodgy indie buddies happy. It still has a vaguely hip-hop drum beat that wouldn't be hard to translate into something cool and naked.
Holly Dunn "Daddy's Hands": The club could play this as the last song of the night, to clear out all the drunks, losers, and quasi-hoboes who have accumulated all night. Any stripper who could dance to this and score mad cash is either Megan Fox... or Megan Fox.
Honorable Mention: Reba McEntire "Fancy": It's that hot-mama growl in Reba's voice that gets us every time quite honestly. It's really a creepy song. Up until this past rodeo season, we didn't know what it was about. Now we sort of feel bad.