If we had to rank the three most disappointing things not to happen in our lives, it would be these. We have never:
1. Dunked a basketball on a regulation goal.
We play basketball, in some form or fashion, at least five times a week. Frankly, we love it. Yet apparently we did something so horribly awful in a previous life that God thought it necessary to smite us with this great irony. We would gladly trade ten years of our life to drive down the lane and tomahawk dunk one good time. Please, Jesus. Just once before we die.
2. Punched someone in the mouth and then cursed him afterwards like it was no big deal.
The way we picture it in our head: Some guy is mouthing off to an attractive cashier at the Discount Tire by our house. She asks him to please sit down. He says, "Why don't you sit on this?!" and then grabs his crotch. The crowded room gasps.
We tap him on his shoulder, he turns around, then we punch the crap out of him, knocking him to the floor. Then, very calmly, say, "She said sit down... bitch." Everyone claps. A guy opens that door leading to where the cars are being worked on and says our car is ready. The attractive cashier rings us up, giving us an unauthorized 15 percent discount. And then we dunk a basketball on the way to our car.
3. Met any member of the Geto Boys.
This is the one that actually bothers us the most. We mean, you figure covering music and nightlife stuff for the past year or so, we'd have at least bumped into them at some point, right? But it's just never happened. And it eats us up.
They are, without question, our favorite rap group of all time. (Just barely edging out UGK and Black Star, by the way.) Listening to the goriness of their collective bawling flow makes us feel like a bad MF'er. And considering that's prime reason the gangsta rap genre was spawned, we have always thought them to be wildly important.
Now would be a good time to plug those headphones in.
"Mind Of A Lunatic":
We were in middle school when we first heard this song. We know this because our mother said, very matter-of-factly, that if we ever played this in her house again we wouldn't live to see seventh grade. There probably aren't too many things more disappointing than coming home to your preteen son running around the living room with his shirt off shouting about how he'll "stab your ass quicker than a Mexican" while he's supposed to be babysitting his two younger sisters.
Bushwick Bill, "Chuckie":
You have to love that Bushwick was able to do this song without sounding completely moronic. And you've gotta love the balls of the A&R guy that pitched this idea to him. "Hey, Bill, what about a song called 'Chuckie,' named after that movie about that serial killer doll. You know, because you're a midget."
How many songs have sampled the hook here? A friggin' lot, that's how many. Always an overlooked song in the GBs' catalog.
We have great affection for any song that served as the inspiration for us and our friends adopting a phrase into our everyday lingo until it just became absolutely annoying. To wit:
Us: Hey, you want some Cap'N Crunch for dinner, Miguel?
Miguel: Yeah, I could go for that. I was just thinking I was hungry and that we should get straight gangsterism.
Us: Errr, did you just use "straight gangsterism" as a verb, because I'm pretty sure it's an adjective or noun or something.
"Ain't With Bein' Broke":
Ummm, why is Bushwick on the roof of the car like he's Teen Wolf? And why does he turn that 360 at the 2:12 mark? This video is confusing.
Have a good weekend.