A Few Rejected Inaugural Ball Theme Songs

Eminem feat. Dr. Dre & 50 Cent, "Crack A Bottle"

The Good: Many bottles will be popped during tonight's festivities, we imagine, if not quite as many models. Also, the ongoing partnerships between this trio of rap titans says something about the present state of race relations in this country, right? Or about how while people are no longer the sole exploiters of assorted cultural traditions?

The Bad: Fitty's already got a head as fat as Epcot Center; no need to inflate it any further.

The Ugly: Why throw the 2010 GOP hit squads a family values/indecency bone this early? 

Journey, "Don't Stop Believing"

The Good: A victory for African-Americans also becomes a victory for diehard fans of Christian rock and embarrassing late 20th century fashion trends. Convergence!

The Bad: All that shit is wack now. Even Kenny G sheared off his locks - years ago - which has gotta count for something.

The Ugly: The Sopranos season finale. The reaction to the Sopranos season finale. 'Nuff said.

Madonna, "Holiday"

The Good: Just the general sentiment of jubilation, you know? Of taking a little time out of our economic doldrums - you know, the coupon-clipping, the dumpster-diving, the bank-robbery contemplation - to celebrate the fact that an admirable, articulate dude won the presidency by a motherfucking landslide and that Tina Fey won't ever have to impersonate Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live ever again. Well, this decade, anyway.

The Bad: The one's a little too close to The Go-Gos' "Vacation" for comfort. "Vacation," if you'll recall, was used to damning effect in Farenheit 9/11.

The Ugly: Have you ever seen The Wedding Singer? Didn't Adam Sandler's despondent rendition of this song totally wreck it for you? No? Then you've got a stronger stomach than I do.

Whitney Houston, "One Moment In Time"

The Good: This sucker's inspirational, aspirational and totally fucking glides; would remind folks of the Reagan Years, and in a good way.

The Bad: In the ensuing years, Whitney's gone on record as having "done a little blow," too - and Inauguration Night's maybe not the best time to remind everybody about that, though we're sure that more than a few party-goers will be snorting white lines off of the bare asses of Capitol Hill interns and pages into the wee hours.

The Ugly: She'd probably demand an invite and make a media scene if she was denied. Worse, she might bring Bobby along. Remember: no drama.


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