Lonesome Onry and Mean: Envy, You're Up

Best In Texas music magazine can breathe a sigh of relief this month. We've found a new publication of supreme arrogance and ineptitude to ponder and dissect.

Other than pedophiles, no group of people pisses Lonesome Onry & Mean off more than Elitist Pricks. Dallas is full of them -- not that Houston doesn't have its share. Nothing in recent memory screams "elitist pricks" like the vapid December issue of Envy magazine LOM found lying next to the Press at his favorite watering hole.

Before the owner hurled the whole stack into his Dumpster to avert a revolution by the regular clientele, I grabbed a copy and wondered who the two Paris Hilton clones on the cover were.

The Krupa Sisters.

I didn't know Gene Krupa had any sisters.

Google.

It seems the Krupa sisters are a couple of LA beautiful people / models (Playboy, Frederick's of Hollywood, etc.) whose whole schtick is that they are cooler, trendier, and skankier than the Hilton sisters. I bet their mama is so proud.

Now what exactly had these two air-brushed LA bimbos done to make the cover of a magazine so important that its cover trumpets the fact that it is "The Ultimate Guide To Current Culture"?

Without much trouble I came to understand that the Krupa sisters are opening a club in Dallas called PLUSH. Envy editor Paul Salfen's "Editor's Letter" is full of GUSH for PLUSH.

"Although none of us will be lucky enough to end up with cover girls the Krupa sisters under our tree this year, we'll all be ringing in the new year with them at their new club, PLUSH, in Dallas, and you're welcome to join us."

What, no engraved invitations? Reading further, I discover that the opening of PLUSH will be the basis for a new Krupa sisters reality show, Beyond the Velvet Rope. The heart flutters in anticipation.

I was already suspicious after reading the Editor's Letter, but it wasn't until I actually got to Salfen's "article" about the Krupa sisters on page 41 that I fully realized Salfen is, shall we say, about as qualified to edit a magazine as LOM is to fly the space shuttle. As best as I can determine from digging around cyberspace, Salfen's main claim to journalistic credibility is as a wannabe actor and a scribbler of celebrity suck-up puff pieces for Dallas Morning News; his January 2008 interview "Talking 'Mad Money,' motherhood and more with Katie Holmes" is a representative example.

Not that I expected Hemingway quality or gravity from someone who lists as his qualifications 'ex-guitarist of Far Star and Superstring,' or from a magazine that has the Krupa bimbos on the cover. Of course, I realize the likelihood of anyone picking up a copy of Envy for a demonstration of writing prowess is about as likely as someone dieting on congealed ham fat and Bluebell Rocky Road ice cream, but one would think the honchos at Envy would at least try not to look like complete literary airheads since they want Envy to be taken seriously like Texas Monthly (the graphic and organizational resemblance is uncanny). But as a buddy of mine who wrote one small music story for Envy informed me, "The stories are just window dressing. That rag gives all the wealthy pseudo-literati a big orgasm because instead of just looking like another catalog of ridiculously expensive crap, it has words."

Not that all the words have much meaning, if any. Check out this quotation from Krupa sister Joanna in Salfen's article.

"The way the whole thing started is that Marta and I wanted to open a Los Angeles club, and the word got out. So Niko [that's Niko Foster, described by Salfen as "the slick mastermind behind several clubs across the country"] said, 'I'm opening a club in Dallas, and I want you guys to be part of it -- investors and the whole shebang.' And why not? Dallas seems like an amazing place, and I don't think there are that many clubs here, and also, the entertainment business doesn't know as much about Dallas, so I think it would be a great way to get people from all over the world to get a tourist opportunity here."

To what? Uh, hello. Stuff like this leaves me wondering if the Krupa sisters -- and Salfen -- took their grammar lessons from Sarah Palin. Like Palin, apparently neither Joanna nor Salfen paid much attention during the class about run-on sentences.

Following Joanna's brilliant explication of her financial strategy (don't you wish she was in charge of getting us out of this economic crisis?), Salfen himself waxes poetic, explicating and disseminating the facts as only he can when he's wearing his Jimmy Olsen investigative reporter cape.

"The club is actually more than a simple nightclub. It's a launching pad for products, which is part of the title of the PLUSH acronym. It stands for Product Launch Using Strategic Hype, to which Foster reveals, 'One of our main strategies is to launch products down at the club, and that's the main focus of what we're really trying to do. We're incorporating massive marketing strategies and bringing it all here.'"

Sounds like Envy magazine to me. And if you're laughing -- or angry -- about this, I'd bet you don't read Envy or much care for the type of people who do. Stick with us in the coming days as we examine Envy and its club-fisted promotion of conspicuous consumption, elitist douchebag behavior, and bad writing. In the days ahead, we'll look at Envy's deplorable content and its even more deplorable writing -- especially its music writing.

But before we go, here's one more example just to tease you to come back for more. Again, editor Salfen is the culprit. He scribbles: "Of the pending fame, Marta says she's ready for whatever comes her way, but Joanna reveals that she has the right amount of fame right now."

Yeah, the right amount of fame. And zero modesty, just like Envy magazine.

-- William Michael Smith


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