Five Spot: Ron Artest Is Not Too Busy to Be a Meh Rapper

Categories: Five Spot

Welcome back to Five Spot. Every Friday, we'll examine a recent bit of music news and list five reasons why it's either brilliant or dumb-assed. Send tips to introducingliston@gmail.com.

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If you were worried about the myriad injuries that might derail the Rockets' success this season, don't be: brand-new Rocket Ron Artest is prepping a new mixtape.

How about this?
For those who don't know, Artest is a bit of a weekend rapper - does "weekend" mean "terrible"? - and about a week ago, some songs from his upcoming mixtape started began circulating across the net.This, of course, is brilliant.

We mean, who needs to concentrate on the upcoming basketball season? Ron Artest is a consummate professional, and people think of him as such. In honor of Ron-Ron, we were going to compile a list of five bad NBA rap videos, but we couldn't.

We'd all like to forget this...
It's not that they're not out there, because they are (lookin' your way, Shaq). But when we were looking for former NBA journeyman Troy Hudson's "Tru Luv" video, we came across the following. There's really no way to adequately explain. We watched it for a good hour (at least) and it just got better every time. Essentially, it's just some guys lip-synching to "Tru Luv," but you have to watch it to truly appreciate the majesty. We made a little timeline of our thoughts as we watched.

0:36: Music starts. Here we go...

0:53: Doesn't he look like he would have really, really bad breath?

1:15: How many shirts is the guy in the middle wearing? And why is his undershirt so much bigger than his overshirt? Is that cool now? And why is he the only one without a sweater? Does his douchiness make him impervious to cold weather? What a great start.

1:36: We're confused, do these guys live in a forest? Do they all live together? What the hell?

1:58: Did he take that girl to sit outside of a strip center for a date?

2:03: You can never look cool when the girl you're with is taller than you, no matter how much black you have on.

2:20-2:23: That's a hell of a transition right there. From creepy sleepover dance show to the desert. Wow.

3:02: You can also never look cool in a red apron holding a spatula. Strikes all the way around for this poor guy.

3:09: He's rapping about taking the girl to the "highest events" as he drives past an AMC movie theater. Irony is funny.

3:25: Dude. We love to think that the following conversation took place around this time of the video shoot:

Too Many Shirts Guy: Where else can we film us singing?

Innocuous White Guy: Did we do a creepy sleep over scene yet?

Too Many Shirts Guy: Yep.

Black Guy In Big Coat: What about the desert?

Too Many Shirts Guy: Did that too.

Black Guy In Big Coat: Dammit...

Innocuous White Guy: I got it! The roof above the porch!

Too Many Shirts Guy: The roof above the porch. Brillaint!

[three-way hug]

3:47: Does the jury have a verdict? "We do, sir. We the jury find the defendant 'still not cool. Not even with a gun and a scowl.'"

4:09: How upset do you think he was when he saw that she was getting in the tub with a weird bathing suit and he was sitting in there naked?

4:12-5:02: Easily the greatest :50 seconds of any video, ever.

5:03: Did a frigg'n bee land on the lens? What a great ending. - Shea Serrano


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