Five Spot: Jack White, The Edge, Jimmy Page and the Mediocrity of Your Life

Categories: Five Spot

Welcome back to Five Spot. Every Friday, we'll examine a recent bit of music news and list five reasons why it's either brilliant or dumb-assed. Send tips to introducingliston@gmail.com.

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It Might Get Loud, a documentary centered around Jack White, The Edge and Jimmy Page swapping stories, rocking out, and confirming suspicions that our life is totally lame, is currently making the rounds. Said former tradesman White of the film - directed by Davis Guggenheim, who helmed Al Gore's Oscar-winning An Inconvenient Truth and several episodes of HBO's Deadwood - "It's almost like having three carpenters talk about a radial-arm saw."

We'd guess even a documentary about that would still make us feel a bit mundane, too. This documentary getting made is a surefire Brilliant rating, but these other would-be documentaries starring other musicians are not.

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1. It Might Get Abused, featuring Michael Jackson, Britney Spears and Gary Glitter (above). Seriously, who didn't see this one coming? FYI, Gary Glitter is the dude that sang "Rock And Roll Pt 2," otherwise known as "That 'Hey!' song from all the sporting events." He turned out to be a hardcore sexual deviant - which was really weird, because he looks like a totally normal guy - and was recently released from a Vietnamese prison.

2. It Might Get Shot, featuring Tupac Shakur, Biggie Smalls and every other rapper born after 1972. It's crazy to think that Pac and Biggie would be sneaking up on 50, right. Ironically, filming for It Might Get Shot 2 could well begin at the screening.

3. It Might Get Away With It, featuring R. Kelly and The Who's Pete Townshend (with special guest Michael Jackson): As is totally plausible, Kelly's attorneys argued at his recent child-pornography trial that some super-genius CGI special effects movie people plotted to take the R&B sensation down by miraculously imposing his face on the body of someone clearly engaging in appropriate activities with a minor. Seems legit to us.

A few years back, Who guitar god Townshend was cautioned by police after he was found to be visting some Web sites that advertised child pornography. Townshend told the authorities he was "researching" a (still-unreleased) book about anti-child pornography stuff. We tried that same excuse on our wife when she found out that we had been looking at porn on our home computer. (Damn you, browser history.) Unfortunately for us, she was a tad more astute than the authorities. 4. It Might Be A Dumb Shit, featuring suburban mixtape maker Asher Roth, Cat Power and My Chemical Romance: There's no real definitive reason for these three to be in this movie, other than we think they are all kinds of annoying. Journalistic objectivity, schmurnalistic objectivity.

5. It Might Make Me Gay That I Secretly Enjoy Their Music, featuring James Blunt, Damien Rice, and Jack Johnson: Whatever - "You're Beautiful" (Blunt), "The Blower's Daughter" (Rice), and "Better Together" (Johnson) make you teary-eyed too, and you know it.

Sometimes we listen to them in the car on the way to work and sing as loud as we can and it makes us forget about everything bad. Then, right before we pull up to the office, we switch the CD to Lil' Wayne's Tha Carter III and then hit on the first two girls we see. That's just how we roll. - Shea Serrano

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