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Have you ever played around with Googlism?

Here’s how the site, which is not affiliated with Google in any way, describes itself: “Googlism was created as a fun tool to see what Google ‘thinks’ of certain topics and people. Of course, the results are not really Google's opinion, they're yours, the web site owners of the world. Within the Google results are thousands of your thoughts and opinions about thousands of different topics, people, names, things and places, we simply search Google and let you know what website owners think about the name or topic you suggested.”

I decided to plug in the names of a few of the most prominent Houston musicians of the past few decades, and here’s what I got: a bunch of randomly generated lists of statements, that with only a little editing, could be transformed into Wesley Willis songs.

It’s much better than the Wesley Willis song generator at this, believe me.

Rock over H-Town, rock on Chicago!

Here are a few more details about this weekend’s reunion of “Texas Thunder Soul” titans the Kashmere Stage Band. Tomorrow afternoon’s performance at Kashmere High School is open to KHS students and faculty only, but Saturday night the KSB alumni will headline a gala reception and fundraiser for the Conrad O. Johnson Music & Fine Arts Foundation at the Hess Club (5430 Westheimer). That one is open to the public (reception starts at 7 p.m.), but it’ll cost you: tickets start at $125.

Fans of Proletariat’s weekly dance installment Rock Box, take note: tonight is your last night to get down. Last week, Houstoned Rocks talked with resident Rock Box DJ Witnes about the Pro’s closing, the end of Rock Box and what’s up with his upcoming move to New York.

Houstoned Rocks: Are you nervous? I mean, in Houston it seems like it’s really easy to get a dance [night] started like Rock Box, but in New York there’s a lot of that going on.

Witnes: Yeah. No, I think I have a good network up there. There’s a lot of Texans up in New York, and it’s funny because I’ve been going to New York the past five years and I catch myself hanging out with all Texans. A lot of people in New York aren’t true New Yorkers, you know? And I’m pretty confident that things are going to be all right because nobody is really catering to the Texans up there from what I’ve kind of gathered. This last time that I went, one of the gigs that I was at a lot of my friends from Texas showed up and they were all just dying to hear Dirty South shit. They were like, “Please play Bun B or stuff like that” and I said, “Okay, I will. I’ll get to that,” but I didn’t want to come off instantly straight into Houston music where I was like leaving out the majority because I had to keep it friendly – let me warm them up first.

What kind of world have we have found ourselves in when a soundtrack featuring the Velvet Underground, Moldy Peaches, and Sonic Youth covering the Carpenters is the best-selling record in America?

Don't get me wrong – this is pretty cool stuff. Five years ago, if you would have said someone like Kimya Dawson would be a chart-topper, I would have taken a drag from my Marlboro Red and called you a butt-stove. Then I would have asked you if you wanted sausage or pepperoni on that pizza. I'm just excited that this soundtrack also features my favorite Kinks song, "A Well-Respected Man." Plus the Cat Power track makes my manly bottom lip quiver whenever I hear it.

With the writers’ strike in full swing, television is having to rely on reality shows even more than usual to weather the storm. Not least among the current crop is VH1’s Rock of Love 2 with Bret Michaels, where the Poison frontman again tries to find love after Season 1 winner Jes Rickleff ditched him in the reunion episode. Michaels now has a second chance to find the ultimate rock-star girlfriend. But seriously, what are the odds that a 44-year-old will find a lasting relationship among booze and boob fests, groupies, and a stripper pole? [Editor’s note: pretty decent, actually.] Several musicians’ lives would provide more plausible concepts than another Rock of Love go-round. Here’s ten. – Linda Leseman

Whether for space or continuity considerations, music reviewers usually find that half of what they write down during a concert, or more, winds up on the newspaper equivalent of the cutting-room floor. Sometimes this is for the best, but thanks to the Internet such jottings can now be put to good use. More from last night’s bro-down at Toyota Center:

First indication Van Halen was in the vicinity: Around 7:35 p.m., two dudes jumped off the MetroRail at the Bell Street station and sprinted toward Toyota Center.

Biggest parking bargain: The AT&T garage at Bell and Caroline was five bucks. It was $20 across the street from Toyota Center and $10 for the Tundra parking garage.

First sign it’s an old-timers’ show: For the first time I can remember at a non-club show, I didn’t have to empty my pockets on the way into the arena. What kind of rock show is this anyway?

Don't know what to do with all those unused Best Buy and Circuit City gift cards left over from the holidays? Why not pick up Nickelback’s new Ultimate Video Collection DVD, in stores today? Not only will you get 12 videos of some sort of mentally challenged Jesus impersonator belting out lyrics about being a rock star ripping off your pants, smashing the DVD creates shards upon shards of jagged hard plastic, just the ticket for cutting those hard-to-reach veins. Remember, when it comes to wrists, go down the street, not across the street. Just a tip.

Van Halen
Toyota Center
January 28, 2008

Better Than: “My fellow Americans, you and I both know the State of the Union is pretty fucked up. Let’s all just listen to Women and Children First.”

Download: You do realize this is Van Halen, right? Their fans think “downloading” is something you do to get merchandise off a truck.

Call it a cultural difference. Most of Van Halen’s peers or immediate predecessors – Led Zeppelin, the Who, Eric Clapton – are firmly grounded in the British stiff-upper-lip tradition: even amidst an especially wicked guitar solo, you’ll never see ‘em sweat. Meanwhile, vocalists like Mick Jagger and Roger Daltrey don’t so much play to their audience as slightly above it, like these noble gents deign to entertain us for a spell, and us lumpen types should consider ourselves lucky. With good reason.

But Van Halen is from Hollywood, baby, and the recently reconfigured rockers never let the sold-out Toyota Center crowd forget that for a second Monday night. Besides possessing a decent set of pipes and one of the quickest wits in rock and roll (really), David Lee Roth is a born entertainer, much closer to Tom Jones or Neil Diamond than, say, Ozzy Osbourne. He may not fly around the stage anymore – no self-respecting insurance company would even dream about underwriting that at his age, and besides, that ceased being cool once Garth Brooks did it at Texas Stadium – but he can still bust out those over-the-head karate kicks like Elvis (my friend counted nine), and nobody twirls the microphone stand quite as smoothly as ol’ Diamond Dave. Not even Steven Tyler, but Steven Tyler would also never wear the sort of pistolero jacket that made Roth look a little like Steve Martin in Three Amigos.

“Is everybody having a reasonable time tonight?” he asked after the furious hard-rock boogie of “Somebody Get Me a Doctor.”

They were.

Yesterday, hard-nosed news outlet Entertainment Tonight announced Miley Cyrus has legally changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus. It's been almost two decades since father Billy Ray hit the scene with his one-hit-wonder classic “Achy Breaky Heart.” No better time to capitalize on such a landmark societal shift than right in the beginning of your Britneyesque career, Miley. Way to remind people where you literally came from: the sweaty, acid-washed loins of a mulleted Kentucky lothario.

I hate posting anything related to Cyrus, because she poses like a middle-age cougar prowling the Hop in Clear Lake on a Friday night. It makes me look like even more of a lecherous goon. But this has to be the most backwards bit of career planning ever.

We're working up a full review of last night's performance by Dave, Eddie, Alex and Wolfgang, but here's a slideshow for breakfast. -- Keith Plocek

Surely it was no coincidence. A packed house at Walter’s Friday night – and I mean packed, as in the maximum occupancy certificate of 135 was more of a guideline than a rule, though there was still (barely) enough room to get to the bar and merch booth - was still buzzing about the vivacious gypsy stylings of opening duo the Ivan Meliv Band. The weather was as bad, if not worse, than the previous Friday, so a few hardy smokers shivered while indulging their habit in the puddle-strewn parking lot, while disappointed procrastinators shuffled away from the door upon learning “no tickets at the door” does, in fact, mean no tickets at the door.

Back inside, the impeccably attired Dap-Kings – the Brooklyn-based ensemble currently schooling a generation of American Apparel shoppers in vintage soul, both through their regular gig as Georgia-born dynamo Sharon Jones’ backing band and their work on Amy Winehouse’s hit 2007 album Back to Black - filed onstage. Back in the day, it was customary for soul groups to warm up the crowd with a couple of instrumentals before yielding the spotlight to their singer, and the Dap-Kings were no different. But this time the warm-up was familiar: a pair of bubbly chords that at this point, for all intents and purposes, are every Houstonian’s birthright. Here, take a moment to refresh your memory:

It was unofficially announced last week, in separate interviews with Slash and Scott Weiland, that Stone Temple Pilots are reuniting for a tour. Touring should begin by the summer, sometime after Velvet Revolver unceremoniously implodes.

When I excitedly told my friends this wonderful news over the weekend, I was met with general disdain. What did everyone hate about this band? Is it possible I’m one of the few people who still enjoy the dark, sinuous vocals of ex-junkie Weiland and the adequate drumming of Eric Kretz? The interlocking guitar and bass work of the DeLeo brothers? Is it weird that my favorite album of 1996 wasn't Sleater-Kinney's Call the Doctor, but a little something called Tiny Music: Songs from the Vatican Gift Shop?

Click the photo for a slideshow of the action

Poopy Lungstuffing, The Annoysters, Styrofoam Duck, Muzak John, Kevin 11
The new SHFL location at 3801 Polk Street
January 25, 2008

Better than: The month we had to endure without Super Happy Fun Land / Ultra Painful Torture Land

Download: Poopy Lungstuffing’s warbling yet infectious rendition of “Dream a Little Dream” on YouTube

Super Happy Fun Land co-founder Poopy Lungstuffing, a.k.a. Olivia Dvorak, is wearing a pair of knit bunny ears as she plucks her ukulele on stage and sends her shrill voice out to the people listening. Some nights she does this bit where she plays her tiny Hawaiian instrument and a kazoo while hula-hooping on stage, but tonight her hoop is missing.

No one seems to mind.

If Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings, Dash Rip Rock or the Black Dahlia Murder/3 Inches of Blood metalocalypse ain’t your bag tonight, Houston’s beloved Ka-Nives play a house party at 9:30 tonight with the Dimes and American Sharks. So far the location of said party is a well-kept secret, but check Hands Up Houston or try contacting the Ka-Nives through their MySpace page. If you miss the trio, who combine raw garage-punk energy with the fun-loving ‘50s rock and roll of groups like the Coasters, tonight, you might want to stop by tomorrow afternoon’s Secret Saturday Show at the Shady Tavern. That’s just a rumor, mind you, but I’m just saying…

Lots of other great local music on the docket tonight, counting Houston-born Sinatra lover Steve Tyrell, who produced fellow Texan B.J. Thomas’ “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head” and sang the theme song from the Garbage Pail Kids TV series, at Jones Hall. Rudz hosts a loud, dirty Houston/Austin bill of Poor Dumb Bastards, Black Novas, Dollyrockers and Shit City High. Spain Colored Orange - perhaps you’ve heard of them? – preview songs from their forthcoming second LP at Proletariat with Heist at Hand and Paris Falls. Skyblue 72 unplugs for two sets at McGonigel’s Mucky Duck with Austin guests Dertybird, and Super Happy Fun Land celebrates its relocation to 3801 Polk, just past Dowling, with a “Polka Party” featuring Poopy Lungstuffing and the Annoysters. DJs on duty tonight include Ceeplus Bad Knives at Avant Garden and Boy Boy’s bodacious Bodywerk at Boondocks, while Austin’s rapping ruffians Dirty Wormz – sorry, that’s diRTy WoRMz – bring the noise and righteous reggae bros Full Service release their new CD The Dig at Scout Bar and Acadia Bar, respectively.

If you are not yet quite sick of critics' polls, two of the biggest and best are out at our sister papers. The venerable Pazz and Jop poll is up at the Village Voice, while the less venerable, more focused country music list is up on the Nashville Scene's site. -- John Nova Lomax