Why Stop at Suspension When You Can Throw in a Porn Star?

Categories: This Just In
So you’re in a metal band no one’s heard of . You claim Hollywood as your hometown, but your ties to the porn industry mean you probably play most gigs at abandoned bowling alleys around Van Nuys.

Your dark, brooding, vaguely Satanic band believes in “opposing the norm and existing beyond the worn paths of those who came before,” a dangerously anti-establishment credo you post on your band’s MySpace page. It’s a new, improved MySpace page, because your former guitarist hacked into the old one, totally jacking up all those wicked pentagrams and shit.

What you need is a new way to show all the dispossessed youth out there that your music – and your existential pain – is real. So you sign on to play the Pornstar Utopia and Ink Convention in Houston, November 10. But in addition to playing such odes to oblivion as “Wretched,” “Hate,” and “Bleed,” your frontman will shred his axe while simultaneously being mutilated.

According to something called The Gauntlet, Society 1’s Matt Zane “will be pierced in front of the crowd, stretched, then lifted in to the air while playing guitar. He will then swing around and pick up Pleasure Productions contract girl Tera Wray. The band will be playing the whole time this is going on.”

This will also give your frontman a chance to prove that not only is he eternally struggling with the forces of evil, he’s apparently locked in a showdown with the Demons of Douche. To wit: “I have always played guitar and written 90 percent of everything in my band Society 1, but I was never outspoken about my guitar playing until recently. I never wanted the former guitar player to feel like I was trying to receive all the attention and recognition. It was hard enough to get him noticed because of my adult video involvement and outlandish stage show."

And until the convention, your fans can feast upon the spoken-word brilliance of “Mask of the Devil,” which is like way deeper than that Bell Jar stuff they have to read in fifth-period English. -- Craig Malisow


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