Daily Show Comes to Texas This Week, Should Be Easy Pickins

Categories: TV Land, Texas


Good news, guys. Jon Stewart and The Daily Show will be making Texas the new (temporary) world news headquarters this week, just in time for midterm elections.

In a segment they've dubbed "Democalypse: South by South Mess," Stewart will be in Austin from October 27 - 30, putting all of Texas' embarrassing political news on blast. Given the political climate in our fair state, Texas will need to be on its best behavior if we have any chance of saving face, so perhaps should keep Rick Perry away from, well, everything for a couple of days.

But even if Perry manages to mind his Ps and Qs, there's still plenty of recent Lone Star news for Jon Stewart to rip on. Since we're bound to receive our fair share of ridicule anyway, let's give the good folks over at the Daily Show a few ideas, shall we?

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At Long Last, Fox News Has Found The Source of All Societal Ills

Or, more plausibly, they know their audience -- old, white people -- well. Check out the above screenshot from them vis-a-vis the 50th Anniversary of the March on Washington.

Yes, hip-hop is to blame. I love the Fox News "move" of using "some see . . ." Who "sees"? "Some." (I.e., a Fox News producer who wants to get old white people angry). Classic.

Astros Post Worst TV Ratings of Any MLB Team Since 2008

csn houston.jpg
The third straight awful season for the Astros coupled with the lack of a deal with cable providers to carry CSN Houston has made for abysmal television ratings for the team. How bad? Well, you would have to go back to the 2008 Washington Nationals to find a worse local TV ratings number than the .43 the Astros posted the first half of this season. That's an average of 10,000 households.

Certainly much can be blamed on the team being dead last once again in the standings, but a young team showing some signs of life, it can be assumed, should find some interest from even casual fans looking for a ray of hope. But when your games only make it into roughly 40 percent of Houston homes, it is a recipe for disaster.

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Houston Sports Stories That Need Their Own ESPN #30For30 Episodes

Categories: TV Land

Photo By Brittanie Shey
Red-Blooded American Man's newest obsession -- behind Kate Upton -- has to be ESPN's 30 For 30 series. The sports documentary series takes on notable and not-so-notable events in sports history and gives them the 360-degree treatment.

Since 30 For 30 debuted in late 2009, the directors have tackled the USFL, the death of would-be superstar Len Bias, Fernando Valenzuela, fantasy sports, and transsexual tennis star Renée Richards.

This week's episode, "Broke", centered on retired, hapless, cash-strapped pro athletes who have pissed away their earnings on bowling alleys, yachts, and hangers-on. In a few months they tackle the rise and fall of two-sporter Bo Jackson.

The closest that the series has gotten to Houston was probably the "June 17, 1994" episode that centered on that hellish day in sports, with O.J. Simpson laying down in the back of a Ford Bronco in Los Angeles, the Rockets playing the Knicks in the NBA Finals, and golfer Arnold Palmer hanging up his pro clubs.

Then there was the USFL episode which touched on our own Houston Gamblers, our other professional football team in the '80s that featured Jim Kelly, the "Run & Shoot" and future Oilers head coach Jack Pardee.

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Dear Olympics: More Nudity And/Or Violence, Please

Categories: TV Land, Whatever

"We live in a cynical world, a cynical, cynical world..." said a very smart man once. Maybe it was Nietzsche, or Elmer Fudd.

Artifacts like the Olympics -- both the summer and winter variety -- have grown boring and stale. TV giant NBC is getting torn to shreds for including haircut Ryan Seacrest in their stilted and censored coverage of the London games. He's better suited -- literally -- to talking to toothless mallrats in a convention center hellbent on pop domination than to human Thoroughbreds who have trained their bodies to commit superhuman feats.

Not only that, Americans don't like anything that isn't football or covered in smoke and oil. The Olympics in any season are a testament to the fabric of the human spirit and body, that much is true, but in just a few more Olympic cycles, our idiocratic country will finally grow bored with javelins and the uncomfortably tight outfits of female teen gymnasts and change the channel.

With the time difference between the States and London, results are coming before prime-time viewers can even see them. It's like a 24-hour spoiler marathon. Imagine if every movie you have never seen was constantly being spoiled for you on social media for two weeks. Just now I saw the results of a few big events by merely checking my Twitter feed. A decade and change ago this wasn't possible, and you couldn't watch a foreign feed of the games at your leisure at the office.

Damn, even Michael Phelps doesn't seem to care about what goes on, saying as much in a 60 Minutes piece days before the start of the games. He would rather be spending his endorsement money on chicks and weed. Do you blame him?

Search "boring" and "Olympics" on Twitter. Here, I'll do it for you. Art thou bored??

At least the Olympics got the opening ceremony right. It was like a three-hour Super Bowl halftime show without surprise titties, Madonna and Dumpster mouth. The presence of the stodgy royal family only slammed home the image of the games as a vestige of nobility and fodder for those with permanently upturned noses and asses affixed with sticks.

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The Hair Balls Super Bowl Live Blog: Remember To Piss

Oh here go hell come.
In some alternate universe, the streets of Houston are currently bathed in Miller Lite, Reliant Stadium and every bar in town is a watch party, with even the homeless folks are wearing soiled Texans jerseys. But alas, our Houston Texans only made it into the second round of the playoffs, and here we sit together, watching two teams from up north -- ew -- battling it out in Indianapolis for the Vince Lombardi trophy.

Welcome to Super Bowl XLVI, between the New England Patriots, led by dreamboat Tom Brady, and the New York Giants, led by Eli Manning, whose brother Peyton's shadow has been looming over the proceedings the past two weeks. This is a rematch, pitting the same two teams from Super Bowl XLII in 2008, which I lost $20 on. On the bright side, well there is no bright side.

If you are already watching NBC's pre-game programming, how much do you hate Pizza Hut right now, and/or did you finally break down and order something? The plugging and commercials are relentless. HD is also not doing the 60-year-old Bob Costas any favors either. But that redhead in the Century 21 ad? That's making watching the two hours before the game worth it.

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Texan Couple on Real Housewives of New Jersey on Bond for Arson

Categories: Crime, TV Land

Jodi Sue Holmes: Do as I say, etc.?
Shortly after their big debut on the Real Housewives of New Jersey, it has come to light that John Madison Holmes and his wife Jodi Sue might not get to enjoy whatever fruits their measure of fame might bring them.

As of today, "Matt" Holmes, 39, and his 36-year-old wife are out on bond in Parker County, Texas, awaiting court dates relating to charges of arson, insurance fraud and money laundering.

Holmes is the father of Ashley, the unbelievably entitled 20-year-old brat who lives with mom and regular cast member Jacqueline Laurita in the Garden State. Matt and Jodi Sue Holmes recently blew in from Texas and debuted on the Bravo TV show for a sort of intervention with Ashley.

At a swanky restaurant one afternoon, Ashley's two sets of parents told the immature youngster that she needed to pull her head out, quit partying and get a job. Nothing in this life comes for free...that was kind of the gist of their come to Jesus meeting.

Police and fire officials in Parker County might say that Matt and Jodi Sue Holmes would have done well to heed that advice themselves. In June, a Parker County fire marshal investigator ruled that the March fire that destroyed the couple's partially remodeled Saginaw home was arson.

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Nolan Ryan's Five Greatest Off-Field TV Appearances

On this date in 1989, Nolan Ryan whiffed Rickey Henderson to become the first and still the only man to rack up 5,000 strikeouts.

With the Astros wheezing towards the finish line in their worst season ever, what better time to remember the most popular Astro ever? And what better way to do it than to look back on his five greatest off-field TV appearances?

5. This one looks to date back to early in his stint with the Astros. We're thinking this might have been a one-taker...

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Last Night: Charlie Sheen's "Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour" at Verizon Wireless Theater

Craig Hlavaty
Charlie Sheen's tour stop in Houston last night wasn't a wash-out, a bomb, or the expensive meltdown that most in town had hoped for. In fact, he was embraced at every turn by fans of all stripes, with men and women alike fawning over him like he was a surviving Beatle, or at least someone in Mötley Crüe.

You can make a few assumptions about Houston taking Sheen in with such open arms. One being that his core audience isn't cynical like the rest of the country and can take him for what he is, or had made himself out to be.

The other angle you can take is that you live in a city with low cultural standards where stupidity reigns on high. Believe either one or neither, but the man nearly sold out the venue, and had most every ass in each seat holding a piece of merch he was selling in the lobby.

I was there with the Sheeniuses from beginning to end, cradling my cellphone, a camera, extra batteries for each, and an open mind. I'm not a warlock or a goddess, but I like a good, batshit, American story. Here's the Twitter play-by-play...

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TV Party: With The Shuttle Gone, Whither Space City?

On the latest "Between The Lines" segment on CW 39's Newsfix, I unloaded about the horror of Houston not receiving a space shuttle, now that the NASA program is over with. Hopefully Florida, Washington, D.C., and New York will make do with these retired spacecraft.

It's not like any of the families of the fallen astronauts who died in the Challenger and the Columbia disasters would want to have a piece of their family history in the city in which their loved ones worked and lived, right? A friend of mine the other day made an interesting point when it comes to shuttles though.

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