Rick Perry Reinforces 'Dumb Texan' Stereotype, Regales Us with Geographic Ineptitude

Categories: Perry 2012

Fine at economics but terrible at geography.
It seems as if Rick Perry has recently decided that his time is better spent abroad than in the state that elected him to lead. While he's asked for a special session -- giving him greater leeway to inflict abortion restrictions for reasons founded on faulty science -- he's also seemed to enjoy flitting around the country. And that's fine. It's his prerogative, so long as he can recruit some of the businesses he's so gladly attempting to poach from other states.

But with greater travel comes greater pressure not to make any of the verbal slips to which Perry seems so prone. The 2012 campaign, which saw him all but branded as the Oops candidate, could at least semi-plausibly be blamed on the apnea incurred through his hectic schedule. Anything this time around, though, is simply him sticking his foot in his mouth, megaphoning his imbecilic reputation for a wider audience to see. There's no excuse for the timeless miscues he found in his 2012 adventure.

Fortunately, we have video evidence that our governor has continued to instill his image of a bumbling blunderbuss, one who pines for the spotlight but flubs anytime it turns to him. From this weekend's Faith and Freedom Coalition, Perry unveils the geographic fortitude for which he's now known:

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Texas In 2016: Hillary Beats Rick Perry?

Categories: Perry 2012, Texas

Hilary's reaction upon seeing the results of this poll
At some point, Texas will give up its status as a GOP guarantee. That seems the consensus, at least. A burgeoning Hispanic population, increasing transplants from California and New York, and a youth bubble surpassed by only Utah -- all signs point toward an eventual purpling of this putative Republican stronghold.

And that may yet come to pass. But it shouldn't hit for a while, right? Despite Democratic murmurs, Texas should remain a deeper shade of rouge through 2016, at least. This, also, seems the consensus. This helps quell that unpleasant metallic taste in the back of Reince Priebus's mouth every time he takes a glance at demographic charts.

But a Public Polling Policy survey, released Thursday, may see the GOP heads reaching for whatever Alka-Seltzer remains from last November. Because instead of focusing on fringe states like North Carolina, Ohio, and Montana, it seems that Preibus and Co. may need to pay more attention than they were hoping to to the Lone Star State.

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Bronco Bama For The Win: Your Election Night 2012 Live Blog & Comment Feed

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"There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth or something I guess..."

-- Luke 13:28, A Copy Of The Bible I Swiped From A Hotel Room

Hello and welcome to Hair Balls' election night live blog and comment, where tonight I will be chronicling the mania of the 2012 presidential election. It's been a rough past year of mudslinging, yelling, confounding Facebook posts, children's puppets, and all around snark, and some voters didn't even get an "I Voted" sticker today.

Before we begin, be sure to get your drinks handy and have this here bingo card locked and loaded.

SEE ALSO: Take on Our Election Night Bingo Drinking Card if You a) Dare, b) Don't Drive Afterward

What channel should I be watching during this? What is the best cable news team to lead us through this evening? I mean, I probably shouldn't just be watching all of the Big Rich Texas on my DVR, right?

Is CNN cool, or is MSNBC the PC choice? Does C-SPAN still exist? I wish that the History Channel was carrying the election.

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One Year Ago, Rick Perry Entered The Presidential Race. How'd That Go?

Categories: Perry 2012

At least he got to taste an Iowa cord dog
It seems like several lifetimes ago, but in fact it was exactly one year ago today that the world got its first full day of Rick Perry, presidential candidate.

With all the pomp, not to mention circumstance, attendant on such an august occasion, the governor of Texas deigned to allow voters to elevate him to the highest seat in the land, if not the free world.

Voters took a pass, as it turned out, but that doesn't mean they weren't entertained.

Perry 2012 passed in a blur of "oops," alleged painkillers, faux pas after faux pas, and head-scratching incidents that filled the days until that sad moment five months later when he gave up the ghost.

America learned some things. Like these five things:

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Rick Perry Stands Tall Against Socialism, Obamacare and Godless Federal Dollars

Categories: Perry 2012

Ready to make the tough decisions that will keep us pure
Governor Rick Perry has confirmed in a letter today to U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius that he's no pal of socialism and as such, must reject two key measures of Obamacare - a state insurance exchange and expanding Medicaid.

To embrace a state exchange would mean playing by U.S. government rules - and even though Perry doesn't know what those are exactly (because they haven't all been pomulgated yet) - he is certain they will be bad for Texas.

As for expanding Medicaid - that would mean allowing millions more Texans into the program, a program Perry already thinks won't last and the whole thing will just end up costing more taxpayer money.

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Comment of the Day: It Was Those Crafty Zionists Who Kept Rick Perry Down!

We have some great commenters here on Hair Balls, and it's time we paid some damn attention to them.

So we'll be highlighting a Comment of the Day each morning or afternoon from the previous day's work. Maybe two comments, even.

This will all be determined by a highly rigorous scientific formula involving wit, clarity and whatever else we feel like at the moment.

We wrote about how if Rick Perry had not been so Rick Perry on the GOP primary campaign trail, he would have been kicking Obama's ass right now.

One reader took off the tinfoil long enough to let us all in on how it's the Zionists holding Perry back.

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What If Rick Perry Wasn't Rick Perry? He'd Be Kicking Obama's Ass, for One Thing

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Rick Perry, confused as to why he's Rick Perry.
What if Rick Perry had never said, "Oops"? What if he could have, for Christ's sake, just remembered that he had wanted to gut the Department of Energy? What if he hadn't climbed into a tan coat and Brett Favre jeans and released that abominable Youtube video -- you know, the gay one.  

In other words, what if Rick Perry hadn't been Rick Perry? If Rick Perry wasn't Rick Perry, then Rick Perry would have been a pretty strong Republican presidential nominee. Way stronger than Mitt Romney.

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Rick Santorum & Rick Perry: A Tale of Two Also-Rans

Alas, it was not to be.
Sad, sad news today for anyone looking to take America back to the 1920s: Rick Santorum is dropping out of his heroic presidential run.

Sure, Mitt Romney has taken enough war-on-woman wingnut stands to carry the banner, but has he ever gone to such Santorum lengths as to declare all contraception is bad?

Santorum's daughter is ill and that played a part in the decision, but the writing was on the wall. Santorum joins Rick Perry as solid proof that the GOP doesn't want to nominate anyone named Rick. Both Ricks ran impressive campaigns that drew a lot of attention, albeit for all the wrong reasons. Let's examine five aspects:

5. Best quote
"Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?"
Perry: "Oops."

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Rick Perry, Singing at the Urinal: There's Something Wrong with This Anecdote

Categories: Perry 2012

Whistlin' Rick Perry
Gawker has an exclusive excerpt from a Politico e-book on the 2012 GOP primaries.

Their excerpt focuses on Rick Perry's bathroom habits, but we doubt something in the story.

The manager of a rival campaign was at a urinal in an empty bathroom in Hanover, New Hampshire, before the Bloomberg News debate on October 11, when he heard someone come through the door loudly singing "I've Been Working on the Railroad." Wondering who was making all the noise, the campaign manager turned his head and saw, to his surprise, the governor of Texas. Perry came down the row of about twenty urinals and stood companionably close by. Nonplussed, the campaign manager made a hasty exit; as the bathroom door closed, he could hear Perry still merrily singing away: "I-I-I've been working on the ra-a-i-i-l-road, all-l-l the live-long day . . ."
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Seven Highlights from the "Rick Perry for President 2012" Facebook Page, Where Hope Never Dies

Categories: Perry 2012

Comin' at ya!!
As we proved conclusively yesterday in chart form, Rick Perry is riding a rocket of momentum (Note: The chart included an actual rocket) towards the White House, with his Super Tuesday vote total a vast increase over his Michigan/Arizona primaries total.

The fever is building, if the mainstream media would just take off its blinders.

Luckily, there is one place where the dream lives on: the ""Rick Perry For President 2012" Facebook page. Seven highlights:

7. The poster is ready
Perry doesn't need to hire a bunch of high-profile, expensive graphic artists. Nikola Nikolic is on the case!

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