Our Awards for the Weirdest High School Mascot Names in Texas
Anybody can come up with a simple name for a sports team. God knows there are enough Tigers and Lions and Eagles and such to fill a stadium. But, it takes real creativity and bravery to come up with a totally unique nickname for a school. In Texas, where high school football is only slightly less important than church or Whataburger, it makes sense that care and consideration are put into the names of school mascots across the great expanse of the Lone Star state.
Clear eyes...weird name.
Unfortunately, there are times when not quite enough vetting is done with a name. Had those who were on the committee to come up with the greatest high school mascot name ever done their homework, perhaps they might have gone a different direction. But, since they didn't, the best thing we can do for them -- besides offering condolences -- is give them some awards for their efforts.
Worst Shortening of a Mascot Name:
Winner: Amarillo Golden Sandies, Grapeland Sandies (tie)
According to furious Internet research, "Sandies" is the short form of "Sand Storms." While Sandies may be shorter (unless you attach "Golden" to the beginning), it doesn't exactly convey the same gravitas as Sand Storm. In fact, you wouldn't even need a plural version of the name. How terrifying would it be to have to face a freaking Sand Storm coming at you on a kickoff? And while I'm at it, why shorten it to Sandies and not "Storms"? One sounds like weather that wants you dead. The other sounds like cookies my grandmother made every Christmas.
Mascot Most Likely to be Mistaken for an Old School Country Band:
Winner: Roscoe Plowboys
Runner up: Robstown Cotton Pickers
Truthfully, if I saw that the Roscoe Plowboys were playing at a local watering hole, I'd strap on a pair of ropers and two step my Wranger jeans-wearing self right down to the bar. If I saw that team on my schedule, after I stopped laughing, I'd start working on mocking chants involving tractors. Side note: What do they call the women's teams? The Plowgals? Maybe it's the city slicker in me, but that doesn't sound very ladylike. Second side note: Their logo is a letter R pushing a plow.
Most Complicated Pronunciation:
Winner: Nazareth Swifts
It is literally impossible to pronounce this name correctly without a lisp. How are cheerleaders supposed to cheer for this name? And how is an announcer going to call a game? Just pray to God they never have someone on a team named Smith. All hell would break loose. I'm pretty sure if Ruth's Chris Steakhouse ever decided to sponsor them, a wormhole would open up inside the stadium and swallow humanity.
Most Likely to Be Misunderstood:
Winner: Hereford Whitefaces
Anyone who knows anything about cows understands that a hereford is a type of cow in addition to being the unfortunate name of this panhandle town, and a whiteface is a literal description of said cow. But, something tells me not everyone is familiar with the ins and outs of bovine species. My guess is that many people who read the word "Whitefaces" might get the wrong idea. Nevermind the fact that your mascot is a sweet, white-faced cow. Not a badass bull that will gore you to death for looking at him sideways, but a cow.
Most Violently Descriptive Mascot:
Winner: Mason Punchers
From a pure terror standpoint, this name is badass. The name is literally what these guys will do to you once you get on the field. It's the equivalent of the Maulers or the Brawlers. And it would get my seal of approval were it no so specific. Maul and brawl all you like, but punch? There's no crying in baseball and there's no punching in...well anything except boxing and MMA.
Mascot Name that Too Closely Resembles the Town Name:
Winner: Crane Golden Cranes
Runners up: Farmersville Farmers, Muleshoe Mules
This sort of thing always perplexes me. I get that it's sort of cute to make your name similar to your town, but the Crane Golden Cranes is taking that way too far. I imagine that someone suggested the Cranes as the nickname in a committee meeting only to be reasoned with by an objector. "But the Crane Cranes sounds ridiculous!" he would implore, when another interested party chimed in, "But what if they were the Golden Cranes?" All in favor? "AYE!"
Worst Attempt at Making an Innocuous Mascot Sound More Menacing:
Winner: Cuero Gobblers
Very few of us ever see a turkey in the wild, feather aflame as it chases you away from its nest. So for the vast majority of Texans, the most dangerous thing about a turkey is that it might make you so sleepy on Thanksgiving that you nod off during the Cowboy game. And I'm sure these folks meant well, trying to increase the scare factor by turning a common poultry item into a fearsome gobbling carnivore. They even made the logo an Incredible Hulk-like turkey creature. They aren't fooling anyone.