5 Tips for Rick Perry if He Insists on a 2016 Run
Image by Monica Fuentes Perry without his hair just feels wrong.
Fish swim and birds fly and politicians run for political office - these truths are pretty self-evident. But it still comes as a faint shock that Gov. Rick Perry popped up in Iowa this week lambasting President Obama. He's been sharing his views on troops in Iraq, he's been spouting off opinions on Israel. He is sending the National Guard to the border to deal with the "terrorists" (aka the kids that have been finding the border patrol and turning themselves in for months.) In short, he has been doing and saying all the things one traditionally does and says when one is planning to make another run for the White House.
We've been pondering all this and we have to say that if it must happen again, we have a few suggestions for the guy with the best hair in politics as he gears up (somehow, despite all good sense and with a very short memory) to most likely throw his hat in the presidential ring once more.
5. Bring back the cowboy boots. As the governor of the great state of Texas, Perry always wore fancy boots, because that's what the governor of the Lone Star State does. But Perry recently ditched the boots, at about the same time he started sporting his heavy black-framed "smart guy" glasses. A change in footwear probably wouldn't be that big a deal in, let's say, California, but this is Texas and we do note these things. Perry's decision to stop wearing cowboy boots made actual news around these parts. His bootmaker even offered to figure out a way to make his boots so that he wouldn't hurt his back (the official reason he has switched to more "metrosexual" footwear according to the Austin American Statesman.) But it's not like the rest of the country is going to forget he's from Texas because he got rid of the boots. We strongly advise bringing them back, because if he must do this again, he ought to be himself and potentially embarrass Texas while wearing proper Texan footwear.
4. Stop flirting with other states. Perry may surprise us all and snap out of that presidential thrall long enough to opt out of running. If he does he might face a certain awkwardness around here. See, Perry, in the middle of all his politicking in California announced that he's such a big fan of the state he's thinking of retiring there. Come on dude. Trying to get states with a ton of electoral votes to consider liking you in an election-esque way is one thing, but doing it by saying you plan on ditching the state you're currently at the helm of just comes off as flaky at best and slutty at worst. Plus, someone might call his bluff and then he'll have to actually move to California.
3. Be wary of Sen. Ted Cruz. The way Republicans talk about Cruz these days, you'd think the man had crazy cobra eyes. It seems that Republicans, even those outside of the Tea Party, sit down for pizza and a beer with Cruz and subsequently lose every previous political conviction they held, according to former Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele. They come back from these close encounters of the Cruz kind, brainwashed and programmed to vote for whatever Cruz tells them to, even if it is torpedoing legislation that John Boehner and the rest of the GOP leadership have spent a hell of a lot of time and energy crafting (little ole things like immigration legislation and, you know, the budget.) Perry and Cruz are going to be seeing a lot of each other as they make the rounds on the I-wanna-be-president circuit, so Perry should exercise all caution and never stare to long into those Cruz-ian eyes, let alone sit down for a slice of pizza. He might consider standing alongside Cruz a bunch though, if he's trying to appeal to the more moderate potential voters (assuming any still exist these days) because right now even Perry comes across as a more reasonable option compared to Cruz.
2. Study this time. Please. Perry's last run at securing the GOP presidential nomination was an unmitigated disaster. Initially some thought that Perry actually had a shot at getting the nod, but he called Turkey's leaders Islamic terrorists, he either came off as bored, stiff and awkward or as, well, drunk in campaign appearances. He infamously couldn't remember the names of the three governmental agencies he intended to end if elected. His campaign was a disaster, the kind where it actually must have seemed like a good idea in Perry's camp to try and pin his odd behavior on pain pills he's been popping due to his bad back. It was an embarrassing time for all of us here in the Lone Star State, and no one wants to relive it. If Perry must have another try at the White House, we implore him to study harder this time.
1. Don't touch the hair. He's acquired those smart-guy glasses and changed his clothes. Sometimes we wonder if he used to have more of a Texas drawl, but Perry has kept that hair intact. As well he should. Despite the fact that Perry has been elected as governor of Texas repeatedly, not everyone has been thrilled with all of his actions. But there is one thing that everyone can agree on, and that's the hair. Perry has consistently had the best head of political hair in the country. It's thick and luxurious, and it always looks like it gives his words a certain authority that nothing else - not those pearly whites and not, you know, the actual words - can provide. Considering his campaign track record, we honestly wonder if the hair itself has some kind of biblical Samson-type qualities that make people in its line of sight automatically start associating Perry and presidency (admittedly even magic hair can only do so much). At this point, we really can't think of any other explanation.