Zapruder Analysis: Old Dude Punching Out Meathead Bully at Beach (VIDEO)

Categories: Game Time

Maybe the ancient man in his 40s took Tai-Bo back in the day.
We are in that time of the calendar year where I need to issue the usual round of beach-related warnings:

Make sure you pack plenty of sunscreen, and if you are fair skinned, apply it liberally.

Make sure to be wary of great white sharks, especially if you are going to beaches on the west coast, where apparently the sharks are making a comeback.

Make sure you don't drink too much alcohol in the sun. Dehydration is a bitch!

And finally, make sure to avoid confrontation with meathead, douche bag bullies. Or at least if you do end up dealing with them, make sure you have a bad ass old man with you to punch the guy's lights out.

What am I talking about? Well, this....

WHOA! Chalk one up for the AARP crowd, right?

Let's break down this whole situation Zapruder style, because sometimes an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Is there any way this ugly situation could have been avoided? Let's take a look....

0:02 -- Ok. first off, total amateur move on the cinematography here. Shooting extended iPhone footage in the vertical positioning is just inexcusable. It's like we're leering at this fight from inside a makeshift closet on the beach somewhere, like we're voyeurs. I feel like a perv watching this! Negative twelve Shrute bucks for you, cameraman (or woman)!

0:03 -- But we can see the scene well enough to watch the sides form. And it's basically one big meathead douche bag (whom for our purposes we will call "Vinny Anunziato"), one older man who appears to be somewhat fit (we will call him as generic and milquetoast a name as we can think of, call him "Tom Smith"), and a gaggle of what appear to be very offended women. Vinny has done something to piss them off. But what? Let's find out more...

0:04 -- The women appear to want to get physical with Vinny (not the good kind of physical either), and he thankfully doesn't haul off and punch any of them (because a stupid act like that was definitely a possibility for a brain as small as the Vin Man's).

0:08 -- In jogs somebody who from behind appears to be the most awkward, long haired woman ever, or a man with the most glorious mullet of 2014. He (she?) is having none of Vinny's shenanigans either.

0:20 -- The group of women are reaching "angry mob" stages now, and I think I heard one of them ask where her friend put the torches and pitchforks. They want a piece of Vinny Anunziato, and they want it bad.

0:27 -- Thankfully, ladies and gentlemen, there exists a Tom Smith. Tom Smith is about negotiation, about two sides finding a common ground and arriving at a conclusion that satisfies each side. It's what he does. He is stepping in and handling the situation. Vinny will listen to Tom's measured reason....

0:41 -- ...or Vinny will get into "READY" fighting position (up to and including the grabbing of his crotch, multiple times.)

0:42 -- Negotiation didn't go well.

0:44 -- Now, the ladies are stepping in and wanting to throw down with Vinny again (and again, not the good kind), but Tom's got this.

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James Stauber
James Stauber

How did the Houston Press get so terrible? Just curious?

whateveryousay topcommenter

Vinny is lucky he didn't connect with that weird swing.  He stood a good chance at breaking his own wrist.  


I take it that 25 year old has never heard of "dad strength."

Adrian Nugget Rene
Adrian Nugget Rene

Camera phone-$400 AARP card-$50/month leaving him there knocked out in the sand for a few seconds.....priceless


"1:50 -- One punch is all it took. Vinny's lights went out, he dropped to the ground, and oddly Tom actually immediately checked on him, almost as if Tom felt he could still wrap up their negotiations."

I'm not so sure.  Tom may have just had a few pointers for Vinny, and a little "goodbye kiss" before walking away.  Reminds me of a scene in "Falling Down":

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