Naked Dallas Man Jumps in Car, Chokes Female Driver (VIDEO)
1. "Her emotional wounds are still raw."
Here is a clear illustration of the double standard that governs the respective emotions of both genders. This woman had a naked man jump into her car through the sunroof and she is traumatized to the point of not wanting her identity revealed. As men, we leave the house praying that a naked woman will jettison herself through our sunroof, and if it were to happen, we would be tweeting a selfie with her within 20 seconds. I'm glad I'm a dude.
2. "Officers suspect he was on drugs."
Oh, you think so, doctors? If we are taking everything into account -- the suspect's nudity, the suspect's erratic and violent behavior -- then bath salts as the drug of choice is a clear -600 favorite. Mushrooms are +350 and Fun Dip is +1,200. The victim should feel fortunate she didn't get her face gnawed off (a bath salts staple).
3. "His victim's car has $3,000 worth of damage she'll have to pay for herself, but that's not the worst part."
Um, all due respect, but $3,000 worth of damage? That is the worst part. It's far and away the worst part. Three grand is a shitload of money. Look, I understand how bent out of shape and shocked this woman seems to be, but look on the bright side. What are the odds of that happening to her once? Like one in a few million, right? So what are the odds of it actually happening a second time? Like one in a zillion, right? It would be the same odds as Tyrion beating The Mountain in Trial by Combat next Sunday, only with Tyrion having to use a butter knife while wearing a blindfold. (Game of Thrones has totally replaced The Sopranos as my "go to" analogy show.) She should be happy that she got this one out of the way and know that her karma account is well into the black and good things are coming for her soon. Stop crying.
And for the rest of you, just heed this story as one final warning to close your sunroof if you happen to drive past any naked people who look high on bath salts.