Battle-Drink, NFL Draft 2014: The Johnny Manziel Era Begins
B2: "High motor"
B4: "Eye test"
B5: "Off the field issues"
Column B of the game is for the annoying little Drafty McDraftnik phrases that experts like to use in order to show off for their wives and girlfriends. ("Yo baby, I can't talk right now, checking out Ha Ha Clinton-Dix on the All-22. High motor, really passes the eye test. Now go make me a turkey pot pie.")
I1: "Hand size" mention
I2: "Fluid hips" mention
I3: "Skinny knees" mention
I4: "Short arms" mention
I5: "Wonderlic score" mention
Column I is for physical and mental characteristics that pretty much are only ever mentioned during the build up to the NFL Draft. Hell, they're never even mentioned during actual games! There should be a law that if a physical trait doesn't get mentioned as a reason a play is made (or not made) in a game, then it shouldn't matter on draft night. In other words, I've never heard an announcer show a replay of a touchdown run and remark about a back's "fluid hips." No offensive lineman has ever relinquished a sack and had the color guy say "Well, if his arms were just an inch longer, he probably keeps J.J. Watt off his quarterback." And don't get me started on "skinny knees"!!
N1: Every pick Manziel lasts past 4th
N2: Every pick Bortles lasts past 8th
N4: Every pick Carr lasts past 26th
N5: Bridgewater still on board after 1st round
In a salute to NFL Draft proposition bets, we make the N column a progressive one that piles on the longer that any of the top four quarterback prospects remains on the board. So if Houston, St. Louis, Jacksonville, and Cleveland all pass on Johnny Manziel (unlikely), get ready. If Blake Bortles slips past Minnesota at 8, look out. Then, Derek Carr and Teddy Bridgewater (whose stock has been on a cataclysmic slide based on one bad Pro Day) round out the column. A new wrinkle this year, we'll see how it goes.
G1: Adam Schefter scoop
G2: Jets fan boos
G3: Katherine Webb mention
G4: Tim Tebow mention
G5: Aaron Hernandez mention
Column G is a salute to potential draft luminaries. Adam Schefter will likely be a staple throughout the first night, at least. Katherine Webb, we can only hope will be prominently featured during the second night, when her boyfriend A.J. McCarron is expected to be selected. Jets fans will boo throughout all three nights, and Tim Tebow and Aaron Hernandez could both get mentioned as cautionary tales, albeit for very, very different reasons.
O1: Running back selected
O2: Jimmy Garoppolo selected
O3: Punter selected
O4: A.J. McCarron selected
O5: Michael Sam selected
Column O is for the second and third days, in all likelihood. I don't want you all to have to do shots on the first night. I'd like to leave the use of hard alcohol Thursday night as "optional" to wash away the pain in the event the Texans throw another log onto the disappointment bonfire.
All right, now let's be careful out there! And remember, no drinking and driving!