Zapruder Analysis: The Conroe Prostitution Ring
1. Conroe has hookers. CONROE! A lot of people move to the outskirts of Houston because they want more land and the cost of living is much lower. At least that's what they say. Could that all be code for people just looking for beefier, cheaper hookers? Have we been bamboozled all this time to think that the feed stores and icehouses we see along I-45 are just a front for really nasty, skanky prostitution rings?
2. Big shock that the prostitutes would be unearthed as part of a narcotics sting. You know how some betting websites won't let you parlay two sports wagers together because they are so inextricably linked that if one hits, then the other is almost automatic? (If you don't wager, trust me, this happens.) Like betting on Baylor to cover a 35-point spread and hit the OVER? Most sites won't let you do that. Well, if there were a similar betting website for crime, a) it would be awesome, and b) there's no way the site would let you tie a prostitution arrest wager to a narcotics arrest wager. They go hand in hand. The pimp for these nasty whores is basically the Art Briles of crime.
3. Wait, Conroe is big enough to have a section called "southeast Conroe"?
4. Looking at the slideshow of the arrested, I have to say that the undercover officers posing as "customers" are braver than all of the FBI mafia moles and overseas terrorist infiltration spies combined. Which brings us to...
5. ...the arrested. For some reason, the Chronicle was only able to get five of the six mugshots into its slideshow. FAIL BY YOU, Chronicle! Oh well, we'll have to settle for who's left, the Fab Five of Conroe hookers:
PERLA GUTIERREZ, 27, Conroe
Basically, has a "can we get this over with, please?" look on her face in her mugshot. Other than that, fairly standard "hooker mugshot" stuff. One general observation: It's nice that the Conroe lockup gives the ladies pink and white striped jumpsuits. Very stylish. Probably helps them make love to the camera just a little bit when it comes time to smile pretty for the snapshot. (Also, if a couple of these five are any indication, there may be some women that get arrested in Conroe where the pink and white jumper is the item that helps distinguish gender. Just saying.)
SYLVIA HART, 24, Pasadena
Hart is the one prostitute of the bunch who is not from Conroe; she's from Pasadena. Apparently, the Conroe pimp used his mid-level hooker exception on her and brought in Hart as a free agent this past offseason. Solid acquisition! It's rare that a valuable player like Hart hits the market at such a young age, but she apparently went straight into hooking right out of high school. Smart business move, get to that second contract faster. Also, Hart is the one woman out of these five who really does seem to be making love to the camera in her mugshot, like she may actually be hitting on the photographer.
MARY MARIE JONES, 31, Conroe
Not much to say on Jones, except I am getting a general vibe that in order to guess a Conroe hooker's age, just take however old they look and subtract ten years. Do it with all five in this crew and see if you agree with me.
CHRISTINE SMITH, 53, Conroe
The wily veteran of the bunch, like Dikembe Mutombo on the Rockets a few years ago. in fact, looking at her mugshot, Smith might actually be Dikembe Mutombo. Has anyone heard her speak? Does she sound like Cookie Monster? I'm guessing that at age 53, Smith is just trying to hang on long enough to get her pension before she goes into coaching.
SANDY TERWILLIGER, 24, Conroe
Well, if you happen to have a fetish for women with disturbing blemishes on their faces, Terwilliger is the one for you! Also, it appears that the dental plan for Conroe Prostitutes, LLC is severely lacking. Finally, the eyebrow over Terwilliger's left eye winds around and practically below her eye line, like it has a life of its own. She should look into claiming it as a dependent on her taxes this year.
Missing from the slideshow is AMBER KIRKLAND, 29, Conroe. I've long espoused a theory that every girl named "Amber" is hot. (Seriously, have you ever met an ugly "Amber"? No, right?)
Well, without even seeing her mugshot, I'm going to guess that Amber Kirkland blows my theory out of the water. (Not going to make a "blow" joke. Too easy.)
Conroe has hookers. Who knew?