Last-Minute Valentine's Day: Literally the Least You Can Do for the One You Love
You want to be romantic. You want to give the love of your life something special, make her day. But you're kind of an idiot. You don't plan ahead and you're not exactly the most thoughtful guy on the planet. Plus, you're cheap.
Don't show her this if you want to keep her expectations low.
Well, you're in luck, bozo. There are plenty of places to pick up some crap for her before it's too late. No one understands why she keeps you around. Even she probably doesn't fully get it. This is your chance to remind her that, sure, you're a jackass, but you're a jackass who got her something for Valentine's Day...against all odds.
Here are some fast, cheap options that might actually not be the dumbest thing you ever bought her, but close.
This is a really dumb, really corny gift, but if you are slightly creative, you might pass for romantic instead of moronic. Get home before she does and put them around the house in various places -- no, not in the kitchen next to the dirty dishes. Put a few on her pillow and maybe make the bed for once, you lazy jerk.
Romantic Movie Rental
You could go to Redbox. It's only a dollar. Maybe you're one of those guys who won't spend a penny on something romantic, but you love nerd crap, so you have Amazon Prime or Netflix. Pull those up and go searching for a nice romcom for the evening. I know it's tempting to watch All-Star Friday night, but don't be that jerk for one night. You can DVR it if you have to, but throw her a bone (stop giggling, you pervert).
A Single Flower
You probably won't splurge on a $5 rose, so get a carnation or pick a flower from your neighbor's garden. I'm sure that sweet old lady who spends all her time pruning and fertilizing won't mind if her idiot neighbor steals her blood, sweat and tears because he's too cheap to call 1-800-Flowers.