Zapruder Analysis of Video Résumé of Redneck Seeking Job As NFL Fullback

0:41 -- HOLY SHIT! Somebody send some blood to OSBB's legs, stat! It looks like he's wearing white tights!

0:48 -- "...you lean back....so that anybody you control.....you're not chasin' out there...." Well put, OSBB.

0:51 -- "STOP." Okay, this won't be the first time you see this, OSBB telling the cameraman to go ahead and cut rolling on the scene. Apparently, while OSBB was able to upload some kick-ass porn fonts at the beginning of the video, he was unable to edit out the cuts at the end of each play or to produce a pleasant-looking transition from scene to scene. Bad job by you, OSBB.

0:57 -- "Tractor YES -500" and "High capacity dump truck YES -350" both just paid.

0:59 -- OSBB blocks an oncoming Stretch down low in a way that I'm fairly certain would get OSBB paralyzed if he tried it in a real NFL game. The underrated part of these frames (other than watching Stretch run at OSBB in jeans) is Bo carrying out the play in the background, and covering up the ball with two hands. Ball security against invisible defenders matters, people! Bo is a finisher, man.

1:06 -- "CUT."

1:09 -- We get our first hit of the cameraman saying "RECORD." More shoddy editing. Before OSBB even tells the fourth wall what's about to happen, Stretch and Bo are already sizing each other up like the two of them have beef. They both get into a three-point stance, and Stretch is staring down Bo like he's a jalapeño popper soaked in ranch dressing.

1:16 -- Stretch stays in his three-point stance for about three seconds, gets tired and stands up. Looks like he will try to rush the invisible David Carr from a stand-up position.

1:19 -- OSBB informs us he is about to show us the "crab block," which I wasn't sure existed, so I Googled it. The best part about that -- in a world with billions of people and trillions of opportunities for the words "crab block" to be uttered and typed on the Internet, the third entry down is this snippet of OSBB's video. So kids, PAY ATTENTION. Dude is the king of the crab block.

1:22 -- Okay, Bo getting into a blocking stance on the invisible outside linebacker and just letting Stretch run free is one of the greatest moments in instructional-video history.

(Note: Every moment from every Thomas Vu video on how to destroy it in the real estate market so you can get laid is tied for first in "greatest moments in instructional video history." This is not even up for debate.)

1:30 -- OSBB gets down in a stance where he is on all fours like an animal walking on its paws. This is the crab block. I've also never, ever seen an NFL player use it. Not like this, at least.

1:31 -- "Rusted out tractor YES -650," cash it.

1:32 -- "CUT."

1:41 -- OSBB is now officially babbling as he is showing some other version of the crab block, which is like going to Eddie V's and ordering extra Brussels sprouts. (Brussels sprouts suck. Again, not up for debate. Eddie V's is awesome, though.) But my favorite part here is Stretch's wearing shades while he does the drill. I think more defensive linemen should wear shades during the games.

1:51 -- OSBB is so far off the rails, literally walking on the palms of his hands and the balls of his feet. It seems to be working swimmingly for him, but that's probably because Stretch isn't really trying very hard for fear that OSBB will fire him from his job of cleaning the rust off of the tractors during the week, a job that Stretch frankly sucks at because every vehicle in this video so far has been rusty!

2:03 -- Okay, in this next technique, Stretch is going to be "Dwight Freeney of the Indianapolis Colts," which is funny because Stretch is about a foot taller than Freeney, one of the shortest defensive ends in the league. I'm nitpicking now.

2:18 -- I swear I thought OSBB was going to "Napoleon McCallum" Stretch's knees there. Seriously, huge risk by Stretch letting an uncoordinated, possibly drunk, definitely fat redneck bowling ball hurl himself at his legs. Obviously, these guys all want this dream pretty badly for OSBB.

2:25 -- Okay, apparently they're running that play again. OSBB didn't like the first take. And yet somehow they both got edited into this video. Someone please go post this on moviemistakes.com? Thanks.

2:37 -- People were actually laughing in the background at Take 2 of the chop block by OSBB on Stretch, and I'm assuming it's the same way people laugh at a three-year-old rubbing cake on his uncle's shirt or accidentally taking a sip of beer. Laughingat, not with.

2:41 -- "GO FOR IT..."

2:43 -- Okay, now this is some sort of "trap play" with a "wrecking ball," whatever the hell that means. OSBB has Bo lined up at guard and a bunch of orange construction traffic pedestals lined up as the rest of the Texans' offensive line, which is actually a fairly reasonable facsimile back in 2005. In fact, throw a Chester Pitts jersey on Bo and I'd barely be able to tell the difference!

3:03 -- ....damn, OSBB is taking forever to explain this bullshit. Let's go, let's go, while we're young....

3:10 -- Domanick Davis mention!

Okay, about here is where I start losing interest. You may be wondering whatever happened to OSBB and his minions. Well, you can watch them every Monday night on the USA Network....


We're here...

Listen to Sean Pendergast on SportsRadio 610 from 2 p.m. to 6 p.m. weekdays. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.



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2 comments
pbear8000
pbear8000

The guy's name is Mark, but he goes by "Wrecking Ball."  Rather than being a blocking back, everyone can tell he more of a long snapper body type.

wcvemail
wcvemail

Tom Vu reference! That's not showing off, that's real expertise. Ok, it's also showing off.

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