Zapruder Analysis of Video Résumé of Redneck Seeking Job As NFL Fullback

Categories: Game Time, Sports

Wow, where to begin....I think when the Zapruder method of analyzing video was invented (by me), this is what it was invented for...

0:01 -- This is how you know OSBB was serious, TITLE GRAPHICS! Yes, we get a screen telling us this is a video about "Old School Blocking Back," in a font that is stolen straight out of late '70s porn. In fact, I think it was literally stolen out of a late '70s porn called "Old School Blocking Back," starring Ron Jeremy as a fullback on some pornishly named football team like the Oklahoma Drillers where he is in a love triangle with Nina Hartley and Christy Canyon, both playing cheerleaders, and the final scene is where they all resolve the love triangle by having a threesome. The moral of the story: I'd have been awesome at scripting porn.

0:04 -- OSBB even gets the graphics to move toward the screen , which probably took him at least six months to figure out how to do. Honestly, so far the most surprising development in all of this is that the footage was sent to Lance's dad on DVD. I had OSBB pegged as a VHS or Beta guy for sure. Maybe even reel to reel. That's old school!

0:07 -- We get a shot of a man who looks like the head of a homeless man was screwed onto the body of Pussy Bonpensiero from The Sopranos. He is holding a sign that says "Old School Blocking Back 101," and we now know that this is indeed the OSBB. By the way, if OSBB were a WWE wrestler, holding up a poster announcing who you are would officially be the worst ring entrance since William Regal's "Real Man's Man" gimmick in 1998....

0:09 -- "This is gonna help David Carr, so he doesn't get sacked...." Not to dredge up old memories, but David Carr's getting sacked was a major issue back in early 2006, as he had led the league in that category three of his four seasons to that point. So if OSBB were a salesperson, he would be really good at identifying the client's as far as finding solutions...well, let's continue...

0:16 -- The OSBB training facility is interesting. As best I can tell, the turf appears to be natural, at least in the few square feet where turf actually exists. Most of the playing surface is some odd mishmash of dry dirt and weeds. (Insert joke about "OSBB's facility having nicer turf than Reliant" here.)

0:17 -- OSBB introduces his quarterback, Bo, who clearly came prepared to play in his blue Dockers. Favre thinks you're an asshole, Bo. Wranglers are where it's at, bitch!

0:20 -- Someone off camera throws a ball to Bo and he actually makes a nice one-handed grab, which is easily the most athletic thing you're going to see in the next three minutes and change.

0:21 -- Also, there appear to be several rolled-up bundles of metal or chain link off to the side, and believe me, at some point in this video, you'll wonder if this whole video is just a setup for OSBB to get Bo and his buddies inside a steel cage.

0:26 -- Bo jogs over to the other side of the OSBB practice field and we get a first glimpse of OSBB's other prop/friend, a massive dude who I'm fairly sure fills the role of "oversize member of the crew who is there strictly for muscle and might be a mute." Every crew has one. Rocky Dennis and his family had Dozer in the movie Mask. General Zod had the big dude Non in Superman 2. Hell, even Chewbacca in the Star Wars movies, all he ever did was growl and beat people up (and school Threepio in chess). OSBB's big man is that guy, the silent muscle. We will call him Stretch.

0:27 -- Also, if you had "Car with flat tire and mangled front end in the background YES -450," go ahead and cash your ticket.

0:30 -- "I'm gonna be the third down blocking back..." Clearly, OSBB is a little out of touch with NFL schemes. Most third down backs are not brought in to block these days (and by "these days," I mean since like 1985). I don't think Sean Payton is telling Darren Sproles, "SPROLES! Get in there and knock someone on their ASS!!"

0:38 -- Bo snaps the ball, OSBB gets into his wide base, just straight-up schooling all of us. The best part? Stretch actually gets down in a stance along with OSBB, like he's watching an instructional video, which he may as well be because OSBB is the goddamn "Crime Dog" McGriff of this Tom Emanski "blocking back" masterpiece.

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The guy's name is Mark, but he goes by "Wrecking Ball."  Rather than being a blocking back, everyone can tell he more of a long snapper body type.


Tom Vu reference! That's not showing off, that's real expertise. Ok, it's also showing off.

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