Zapruder Analysis of Two Chicks Brawling at Intersection of Harwin and South Gessner
0:02 -- We are getting a full-length standing body shot of Dominique Sachse reporting on this viral fight video, so immediately Christmas just became merrier and this clip has my attention. The footage is playing next to her on the screen, and ironically, the only thing that might draw my attention away from Dominique is video of two "broads" (one of whom might be half hippo) brawling in the middle of Harwin. It's weird. (NOTE: I realize "broad" is not the most respectful of terms, but if there are fisticuffs, "broad" is an acceptable description.)
0:17 -- Okay, the introduction to the story is that the fight started in the street, some bystander started rolling on it and it went viral. Doesn't really sound newsworthy, but okay, I'm willing to roll with it. Let's keep going...
0:24 -- Joel Eisenbaum, Channel 2 reporter extraordinaire, is behind the wheel of what appears to be a van of some sort, perhaps even an ice cream truck. making eye contact with the camera while the vehicle is moving (which isn't really safe).
0:28 -- We see what appears to be the beginning of the trash talk that touched off the fight. Odds that the phrase "You think you're better than me?" was screamed prior to the first blow being landed? -350. Also, one of the women is wearing a muumuu like Homer Simpson in that episode where he goes on medical leave for being obese...
0:30 -- Now would be a good time to name the combatants. If you're looking for WWE doppelgängers, I'd say the black woman would be Kofi Kingston...
...while the white, muumuu-wearing chick is the spitting image of obscure mid-'90s mid carder Man Mountain Rock...
Female Kofi versus Man Mountain Bitch! This is officially the ugliest WWE divas match since whatever the Fabulous Moolah's last match was.
0:36 -- We are getting to relive the moment through the eyes of the filmmaker, a floral deliveryman by the name of Charles Scott, which makes this the strangest director's cut of a movie ever.
0:46 -- Female Kofi is getting up in Man Mountain Bitch's face, giving her the emphatic "I will not be messed with" index finger to the face, risky unto itself because my guess is anything that gets within a two-foot radius of MMB's mouth is probably in her mouth within a few tenths of a second and in the express lane to peristalsis before you can say "Golden Corral."
0:48 -- MMB is having none of FK's bullshit, and brings a roundhouse lefty ham hock upside FK's dome. That escalated quickly.
0:49 -- Both participants begin flailing wildly, but MMB is smart enough to grab a handful of dreads and use her low center of gravity to gain the upper hand.
0:53 -- This apparently was over some sort of traffic mishap, according to Scott. FK allegedly ran into MMB's car, and is now pissed off at MMB for allowing her car to get in the way of FK's forgetting to hit her brakes ("Bitch, when I forget to use my brakes, you ain't supposed to be in MY WAY!!"), enough to where MMB was trying to walk away and FK would have none of it.
1:06 -- We get into the lame part of the match, the double hair pull rest hold. BOOOOORING......BOOOOORING......
1:08 -- I keep waiting for like two or three midgets to pop out from under MMB's mumu and begin working over FK's shin and ankle area, like Doink the Clown back in 1994.
1:14 -- MMB walks FK back over toward the car, controlling her like a monster heel wrestler would back her into the turnbuckle, and she begins swinging the other ham hock on her. Two fantastic blows to the face by MMB.
1:27 -- When asked by Eisenbaum why he didn't step in to stop it, Scott's brutal honesty was refreshing. He basically said that you never see something like this, and he never knew when he'd see it again. He left out the part about potentially getting his ass kicked in the middle of the street by two women.
1:36 -- Close-up of Eisenbaum throwing his van into park (I like to think he's actually reporting from an ice cream truck and he's just multitasking -- "Who ordered the bomb pop?...Oh wait, kids. I need to finish up this news report for Channel 2..."
1:40 -- Eisenbaum preaches that the police don't want you to take the law into your own hands; they want you to call them. Ya don't say? Well, maybe I'll call the police on you for filming a news report and driving at the same time, Joel! "9-1-1, what's you're emergency?" .... "Yes, I'd like to report JOEL EISENBAUM FILMING AND DRIVING AT THE SAME TIME....MADMAN ON THE LOOSE!!"
1:50 -- Back to the studio for Dominique's wrap-up on the story, and we find out that there was no accident report, no police called in, and the two drivers just drove off. Sooooooo why was this a news story again?
1:52 -- Seriously, take a step back and ask yourself what happened in that report that was newsworthy. No arrests, no major injuries, no blood. Just two wild beasts slugging each other in the middle of the street, like the Nature Channel meets Jerry Springer. And it all ended in less than a minute.
So the story was "Hey, look at this viral video!"
When did Local 2 News morph into Houston's version of Tosh.0?
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