Ranking the Top 10 Bowl Games From a Fat Person's Perspective
One very underrated calendar quirk this year is the fact that Christmas and New Year's both fall on a Wednesday. Anyone with a regular Monday-to-Friday nine-to-five job knows what I am talking about.
A Wednesday standalone holiday is basically a reason to say, "Ah, eff this...I'm just gonna take the whole week off." We see it during the summer with July 4 sometimes. Now, two weeks back to back with Wednesday holidays? At the end of the year? It's like a vacation fire hose!
With respect to the sports calendar, my co-host (for the next several hours, at least) John Granato and I figured out yesterday that if you started your vacation tonight and just went with the "Ah, eff this" plan, your vacation would overlap the entire bowl season, minus the BCS Title Game on January 6.
How great is that? (Answer: Very, very great.)
So here comes bowl season, 35 games worth of gambling, which equates to about 140 hours of eating, drinking, burping, farting, and general sloth. And that all translates into about 176,164 grams of fat. For lazy, middle age-men with a dollop of disposable income and three weeks of disposable time, this is
our your Olympics.
As Les Miles, would say -- "This is your day..."
"Just want to remind everybody...it's bowl season...those of you that sit on the couch, hand down your pants, eating chips and dip and pizza and beer...those of you that have no desire to leave the house, just gamble, and sleep, and gamble, and eat....this is your day....it's not St. Patty's Day..."
Yes, the bowl season is for football fans, but it's really for fat people!
Many experts out there will rank the bowls based on the quality of the matchup. Me, I like to rank them based on the quality of the sponsor/logo item. So to that end, here is the Fat Guy's Top 10 bowls of the 2013-14 bowl season:
10. (tie) Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman
Marshall vs. Maryland, Dec. 27 (ESPN, 2:30 p.m. ET)
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Middle Tennessee vs. Navy, Dec. 30 (ESPN, 11:45 a.m. ET)
WHY THESE BOWLS: Because we should always thank our troops, every day. Without their bravery, we don't have our freedoms, and without our freedoms, we probably don't have bowl games or high definition television, and without bowl games and high definition television, NONE OF THIS IS POSSIBLE. Therefore, by the transitive property of "our military kicks ass," they deserve to be repped in our top ten.
9. Gildan New Mexico Bowl
Washington State vs. Colorado State, Dec. 21 (ESPN, 2 p.m. ET)
WHY THIS BOWL: Because Gildan is the maker of, among other things, Fruit of the Loom underwear, and one of the requirements of bowl season and that couch time is that you sit around in tighty whiteys and wife beater t-shirts with one hand jammed into your waistband. It's a hard and fast, unflinchingly rigid rule of bowl sloth. Even if you're a boxers guy (or God forbid, a commando guy), you must wear t-whites during bowl season.