Zapruder Analysis of My Trip to Santa's Wonderland

Categories: Game Time, Sports

This ain't no Santa's Wonderland.
"Take care of your 24."

That saying comes from charismatic second year University of Connecticut basketball coach Kevin Ollie.

Basically, what it means is that there are only 24 hours in every day, so make every minute count, budget your time, stay balanced and make sure to live life to the fullest while thinking of others.

It's a noble point of view, but clearly when Ollie invented this sage bit of advice, he wasn't sitting in the interminable line of automobiles waiting to get into Santa's Wonderland in College Station, Texas.

When it comes to couples, every relationship is about a give and a take, and that may be even more true during the holiday season.

With a slew of office parties, seasonal events and the usual lineup of things to do, people to see and chores to attack, trying to make sure that you budget enough time for yourself while still attending to the needs of your significant other and family can be, well, a chore unto itself this time of year.

I've learned over the years, it's best this time of year to just say yes, and I will do almost any activity, indoors or outdoors, so long as if it's cold, it's not really windy. (Wind sucks.)

So because I know that no Houston man with a working set of testicles would ever voluntarily decide to trek 90 minutes to this Holiday Hades disguised with colorful lights, let me give you my own sage bit of Ollie-esque wisdom, in the event that your wife or girlfriend wants you to take her and/or your family to Santa's Wonderland:

Unless you have a need to score infinity relationship points with your honey, or you have some sort of odd fetish where you get wood while waiting in a transatlantic-size stretch of automobiles, if the subject of going to Santa's Wonderland ever comes up, politely change the subject the first time.

If it comes up a second time, dump her. If she's your wife, divorce her.

For those who don't know what Santa's Wonderland is, nestled snugly on Highway 6 just south of College Station, it's portrayed as a seasonal festival of colored lights, Christmas spirit, music and sweets. In actuality, it's really just the county fair wearing a Santa hat, only imagine the county banning any fun rides or games.

Oh, and imagine a sea of lines, every one more infuriating than the last. A two-hour line of cars to get into the parking lot begets a 45-minute line of screaming kids to get tickets for admission that begets another two-hour line for a hayride to actually, y'know, see the lights.

Somehow, I don't think this is what Santa had in mind for his "wonderland." (I would have asked him, but the line to see him was 90 minutes long.)

So that all of you -- men, women, children -- are fully informed of what you are in for should you choose to make the journey to Santa's Hell on Earth Wonderland, here is my Zapruder-style diary of my evening in College Station (all times are CST and actual):

(PREFACE, PART ONE: There may be some of you thinking that all of the things I've said and that I am about to say are going to somehow damage Santa's business empire, or at least damage the Wonderland division of Kringle LLC. Let me tell you that if the line of cars to get in is any indication, it would take a thousand Seans blogging nonstop for about 6,000 years about nothing but Santa's Wonderland to even slightly register as a blip on Santa's business radar. Santa and his Wonderland will both be fine. I'm putting this out there in the spirit of "If I can save one husband or boyfriend..." Got it?)

(PREFACE, PART TWO: While it was my girlfriend Amy's idea to visit Santa's Wonderland, she quickly realized it was a mistake, never tried to sell it to me as "WOW, ISN'T THIS AWESOME?" and she is now just as bitter as I am, which is not an easy level of bitterness to reach. She showed a transcendent level of self-awareness on Saturday night for a girlfriend whose idea it was to make this trip. Kudos, baby.)

Okay, NOW let's Zapruder....

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But you got a Cromartie reference! 

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