BATTLE-DRINK, Week 14: Thursday Night Self-Mutilation Edition

Categories: Sports

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In Houston Texans seasons past, the running joke was that each season would have around two or three [sarcastic exaggeration font enabled] "biggest games in the history of the team." Hell, even 2013 had a couple of them early in the season with the home loss to Seattle and the road thrashing at the hands of San Francisco.

But somewhere along the way, probably about the time that T.J. Yates was extending the team's "pick six" streak to five games against St. Louis, the progressively growing list of "biggest games in team history" turned into a virtual week-to-week lament of "just when we thought we'd seen it all."

"Just when we thought we'd seen it all," a loss at home to Oakland as a 10 point favorite, and then "just when we thought we'd seen it all," a loss at home to Jacksonville as a 10 point favorite.

Now, "just when we thought we'd seen it all," not only is Jacksonville a revenge game for a team that two months ago had Super Bowl aspirations, but somehow the Texans are favored by a field goal.

As is their job, the NFL Network is trying to market this game as watchable, but really unless there's a "game within the game" (gambling, drinking, or otherwise), watching this one takes some masochistic tendencies.

So if you're a masochist, I'm here to help.

I think Texans tackle Duane Brown put it best describing Thursday night football in general: "It's dangerous. It feels horrible."

Duane, we couldn't agree more. (Granted, his description was of how his body feels on Friday, not how our eyes feel tonight, but still....agreed.)

If you voluntarily watch the Texans and Jags for reasons other than gambling, obviously you enjoy punishing yourself. For you "horrible" is the new "orgasmic." Thus, instead of the normal BATTLE-DRINK categories of various consumption units (sip, gulp, chug, shotgun , and shot), I will help make tonight's game a conduit for you self-mutilators, you freaks out there that enjoy dripping hot wax on your junk or watching Jags-Texans II, or whatever it is you weirdos do.

So here are the five column categories for BATTLE-DRINK: SELF MUTILATION EDITION (As always, the rows represent the number of times you must perform said acts):

COLUMN B: "Nail scratch on chalkboard"
COLUMN I: "Punch the person on your right"
COLUMN N: "Pluck out an eyelash"
COLUMN G: "Drop of tabasco on the tongue"
COLUMN O: "Listen to chorus of Miley Cyrus' 'Wrecking Ball'"

I mean, short of jumper cables on your nipples, I can't think of any better way to supplement the pain of the "Battle for Bridgewater" with even more pain than these five categories.

Now for the overview of the various squares:

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With the game being over, you can only shake your head at the mule-stubborn Kubiak and his slavish devotion to his friend Matt Schaub.


Following John McClain on Twitter is painful in itself.  I recommend following Fake John McClain as his tweets are very similar to the real general's but much more entertaining.

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