Zapruder Analysis of a Fat, Drunk Chicago Bears Fan Smacking Into a Pole

Categories: Game Time, Sports

That's gonna leave a mark.
Alcohol, like many mind-altering substances, has a tendency to take whatever your primary personality traits are and augment them. (I hesitate to say "enhance" them, because if your primary personality trait is "being an asshole," then being a bigger asshole can hardly be seen as an "enhancement.")

If you're a mellow person sober, drinking probably makes you more mellow. If you're a happy person sober, drinking will probably make you even happier! (I know for me it does!)

And if you're hyper-competitive, then almost certainly a few pops will ratchet up your competitive side. Hell, the people at Golden Tee have built a cottage industry preying on the hyper-competitiveness of drunk video golfers in bars.

Hyper-competitive is fine. Drunk hyper-competitive is fine, too. But when booze and a lust for victory cross over into actual physical challenges, especially between people who are woefully out of shape, well, that, friends, is magic.

To that end, I bring you the latest chapter in the Zapruder Analysis box set...

Meet these two random fat Chicago Bears fans!

They are clearly drunk and clearly competitive, but unfortunately instead of burning off some of that steam in a friendly game of Pac-Man or darts or beer pong, they decided they needed to prove which of their two fat asses is faster in a 50-yard dash (and I guess settle the argument once and for all as to who the 413,457,891st fastest person in the world is).

This didn't end well. Let's take a look, followed by Zapruder action....

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"Alcohol, like many mind-altering substances, has a tendency to take whatever your primary personality traits are and augment them." Do you have science on this? Just thought alcohol suppresses the orbitofrontal unless personality traits are just basic processes that don't involve complex decision-making and weighing of alternatives, need more science for this claim pls. Also, if alcohol brings out primary traits, then how do you reconcile that with the idea that different alcohols produce different effects (tequila drunk vs. white wine drunk vs. some other mind altering substance)? Just sayin needs moar science is all. 

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