They're Heeeeere....The 2013 Turkeys of the Year!

Categories: Longform

Illustration by Dan Andreasen
Who's hungry?
To gobble or not to gobble -- that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the giblets and gravy of outrageous turkiness, or to throw up arms and just grab Whataburger. To sleep off the tryptophan -- perchance to dream: ay, where's the spicy rub?

It's that time once again; time for the Turkeys of the Year to stand before us and be judged. Be they elected officials, celebrities, or sports figures, they have elevated themselves beyond garden-variety idiocy and into the rarified air of abject turkidom (or turkey-dumb?)

As usual, our panel of experts whittled down this year's flock from a vast pool of candidates, meticulously inspecting each applicant to make sure they met the required levels of stupidity, or what is known in scientific circles as "Heisenberg's Jerk-Off Principle."

And that's why we hope the winner of each category feels honored by this singular accomplishment. For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come, when they have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give them pause: there's the respect that makes turkiness of so long life. Gobble, gobble y'all.

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My Voice Nation Help

Zzzzz. So predictable, as always.

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