Texas Fifth-Graders Wear Fake Mustaches in War on Drugs, Because It Totally Makes Sense

Categories: Texas

Messrs. Cheech and Chong "mustache" you to just say no.
Nothing says "non-sketchy law-abiding citizen" like a patchwork of hair descending upon your upper lip, which is why it makes perfect sense that the Texas Department of State Health Services has asked more than 1,000 fifth-graders to slap on fake 'staches for an antidrug campaign.

This puzzling endeavor is part of "Red Ribbon Rally Thursday," which we understand was originally scheduled as "Dumbass Exercise in Futility Wednesday." The punch line is that the lip-brush means "I mustache you not to do drugs."

KVUE reports that "afterward, the students will head to a legislative session of sorts in which they'll debate and vote on bills about substance abuse." (Since probably a good three-fifths of these kids have never experienced the grave inconvenience of selling plasma in order to smoke a rock out of a broken car antenna, we don't understand how they could possibly make an educated vote. But we digress.)

The awesome thing about this whole project is that, after today, we will have waged a super-successful campaign in the war on drugs. The next stage will involve pointy chin-bears, so children can tell their inebriated peers to "goatee hell." Beard you didn't see that one comin'!

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Prohibition has finally run its course; the lives and livelihoods of hundred's of millions of people (users and non-users) worldwide have been destroyed or severely disrupted; many countries that were once shining beacons of liberty and prosperity have become toxic, repressive, smoldering heaps of hypocrisy and a gross affront to fundamental human decency. It is now the duty of every last one of us to insure that the people who are responsible for this shameful situation are not simply left in peace to enjoy the wealth and status that their despicable actions have, until now, afforded them. Former and present Prohibitionists must not be allowed to remain untainted or untouched by the unconscionable acts that they have viciously committed on their fellow human beings. They have provided us with neither safe communities nor safe streets. We will provide them with neither a safe haven to enjoy their ill-gotten gains nor the liberty to repeat such a similar atrocity.

Prohibition has (again) evolved local gangs into transnational enterprises with intricate power structures that reach into every corner of society, helping them control vast swaths of territory while gifting them with significant social and military resources.

Those responsible for this shameful policy—parasitic prohibitionists—should not go unpunished!


Kids can ask some tough questions but those concerning prohibition are actually fairly easy to answer. Be straightforward: Explain concisely just how the unconscionable acts of parasitic prohibitionists at all levels of our bi-partisan police-state have raised gang warfare to a level not seen since the days of alcohol bootleggin­g; ­

Explain how these unconscionable prohibitionists have creating a prison-for­-profit synergy with evil drug lords and terrorists; 

How they were able to remove many of our cherished and important civil liberties;

How they've ensured that many previously unknown and contaminate­d drugs keep appearing on our streets, in our schools, and even in our prisons; 

How they've overcrowd­ing the courts and prisons, making it increasing­ly impossible to curtail the people who are really hurting and terrorizing­ others; 

And how they've helped to evolve local street gangs into transnatio­nal enterprise­s with intricate power structures that reach into every corner of society, and with significant social and military resources at their disposal.

After you've explained all that: Show them how prohibitionists have manipulated well-meaning but gullible parents for decades; read them the following quote from Adolf Hitler's “Mein Kampf”

"The State must declare the child to be the most precious treasure of the people. As long as the government is perceived as working for the benefit of the children, the people will happily endure almost any curtailment of liberty and almost any deprivation." 

Finally, our children need to know that It's always possible to prevent a dire situation turning into an irreversible and very bleak one; kindly explain to them what our very wise forefathers did back in 1933 —when they finally rejected the policy imposed on them by the exact same type of intolerant, hysterical, pathologically lying, criminally insane, corrupt, self-serving, control-freak bigots.

johnnybench topcommenter

I would have to be really high to find "I mustache you not to do drugs" funny. 

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