Seahawks-Texans BATTLE-DRINK: If Schaub Goes Down, We All Go Down

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How do you know when a BATTLE-DRINK Bingo card is hitting its mark?

Well, when people are talking about liver transplants, rehab, detox, and a fear that they haven't completely updated their will at the end of the first quarter, that's a pretty good indicator!

That's what happened this past weekend, as the Texans 30-9 loss to the Ravens, combined with any square on the board involving Dan Dierdorf's mumbling or John McClain and the word "pathetic" pretty much buried any of you trying to actually play this game.

So I made an amendment to the BATTLE-DRINK rules: If indeed you really want to play along, and live to tell about it, at least into the fourth quarter, you can just treat every square as one sip. You should still get sufficiently wasted, and you avoid the unpleasantness of reacquainting yourself with your lunch from an hour earlier.

As commissioner of BATTLE-DRINK, I say all in favor? AYE.... All opposed?

Well, the AYE (one vote, me) has it. You're welcome. Now for this week's board. Here are the new squares for this week's game:

B4: Promo for "The Simpsons"
The season premiere of the 25th season of he longest running comedy on television goes down on Sunday night. I'm fairly certain that it's Bob McNair's goal to make the Gary Kubiak Era the longest running comedy on television someday. Come 2032, McNair will scoff at your 25 seasons, Groening.

I1: Texans penalty
Sneaky, crazy square on the board, as the Texans had 14 of these last week. If this square becomes an issue, so too will be the outcome of the game.

I5: Shane Lechler punt downed inside 10
Usually, when a punter is your most valuable player, it means that you're probably not a very good football team, and while the Texans have not played up to their potential so far this season, to say they're a bad football team would be incorrect. There have been plenty of players who've played up to their potential (J.J. Watt, Brian Cushing, and DeAndre Hopkins to name a few). I don't know if Lechler is the Texans' MVP, but I do know that nobody is doing his job any better than Shane Lechler right now. The guy's been an unbelievable pickup, and probably has saved Joe Marciano from being ambushed outside Reliant by ten fat guys in Andre Johnson jerseys swinging socks full of pennies.

N1: Shane Lechler hang time chug
This was a unique one, and it was the suggestion of my man Patrick Starr who runs the outstanding State of the Texans blog. Anything that allows the game to be interactive during an actual play, I'm down with.

N2: Texans throw short of sticks on 3rd down
This one....um yeah....let's keep movin'....

N5: 3rd and long draw play
...the slightly more passive little brother of "throwing short of the chains"....yeeeahhh...

COLUMN SCHAUB
G1: Schaub throws ball away
G2: Schaub shoulder pad adjustment
G3: Schaub fetal position
G4: Schaub grabs skull with both hands
G5: Schaub rushes for TD
Column G has evolved into the column devoted to the person who involved in the game who has enough singular relevance to start some serious binge drinking. No doubt that this week, Schaub is that guy, and no real description needed for any of these.

O1: Duane Brown starts
We didn't get to partake in last week's celebratory shot for our guy Duane playing in the game. He missed the Baltimore game due to an ongoing battle with turf toe, so we leave this square on the board for another week, and frankly, until Duane Brown returns, we will leave tis square on here. We will drink this shot someday, DAMMIT!!

O4: Foster/Lynch Madden ad reference
O5: John McClain tweets his Madden roster
In case you need the actual ad, here it is:

Enjoy the game everybody! Stay safe, don't drink and drive!

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.


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