NFL Crime Update: Pac-Man, Hugh Douglas, Gangsta Viking Owners

Categories: Game Time, Sports

Wokka wokka?
"Do this research, if we don't have a how much evil, which we call the how much crime goes up, if they take away our game..." -- Ray Lewis to ESPN's Sal Paolantonio during the 2011 lockout

We all remember this famous Ray Lewis rant, right? Where he implied that the absence of football would essentially turn the streets into the last 45 minutes of any of the Transformers movies, where roads and buildings are getting torn to smithereens for no real reason?

Of course, the money shot in the interview was when Paolantonio asked "Why [it would be this way]?" and Lewis famously said, "There's nothing else to do, Sal..."

As if the second choice for most of society after watching NFL Sunday Ticket each week is to rob convenience stores or sell crack on the streets. (I'm pretty sure Ray knows there are eight months out of the year with no football, and crime doesn't spike in those eight months. Pretty sure.)

Damn, that interview was too good not to post here, so here it is:

Now, to be clear, Lewis was actually talking about the fans, the workers at the stadium, pretty much everyone except NFL players, which is a tad ironic because if there is any cross section of society that has shown a proclivity for disproportionate deviant activity with idle time on their hands, it's NFL players.

Hell, I created an entire off-season meme, award, and fantasy league dedicated to off-season crime. So all due respect, Ray, but when "there's nothing else to do," your NFL brethren are leading the way in criminal activity.

And oh, by the way, didn't you stab two people or something back in the day?

Hell, if this past week is any indication, the NFL players (and fired analysts, and owners) are among the best compartmentalizers in all of the free world, because their crime game is tight even when they have a shit ton of stuff to do!

Like play football (or get fired from commenting on football, or own a football team).

The crime comes in all shapes and sizes, too.

There was San Francisco outside linebacker Aldon Smith, who was arrested last Friday morning just a couple hours before practice for suspicion of DUI, after crashing his vehicle into a tree and being found passed out with his foot still on the gas pedal (the DUI equivalent of sitting at a murder crime scene, splattered in blood, with the gun in hand still pointed at the corpse).

Clearly, Smith has a problem. He recognized it, the team recognized it, and they agreed that he needed to get checked into rehab urgently....just as soon as he finished playing a game against the Indianapolis Colts on Sunday afternoon.

(Call me crazy, but rehab has always felt like one of those "sense of urgency" deals, like when you decide to go, YOU GO. You don't hang out for a couple days, play in an NFL game, and then go. But what do I know? My entire perspective on rehab is pretty much derived from the "Christopher's intervention" scene from The Sopranos.)

Now, Aldon Smith needs to check himself, because that crime could have been awfully dangerous. Someone could have really gotten hurt. He should know that if you're going to drink, get a ride.

Hell, get a party bus!

That's what Baltimore Ravens offensive tackle Bryant McKinnie did for his birthday. Just hours after taking the Texans to the woodshed by a score of 30-9, McKinnie and several of his teammates celebrated the big man's birthday in a positively McKinnie-an fashion -- with booze, with strippers, and with the party ending up on the 6:00 news the next day.

For it was in said party bus, that injured wide receiver Jacoby Jones got into his TMZ-publicized tiff with, ahem, scantily clad performer Sweet Pea (pretty sure not her real name), a tiff that wound up with Pea using Jacoby Jones' face as a bottle opener. No charges were filed, but I'm pretty sure crimes were committed that night.

I'm almost positive.

Now, there are criminals, there are pathological criminals, and then there's Adam "Pac Man" Jones, so perhaps to remind all of us that guys like Smith, McKinnie, Jacoby, and Sweet Pea are mere lightweights compared to him, Pac Man sought out some trouble of his own on Sunday night (early Monday morning, really) when he picked up a disorderly conduct charge during a field sobriety test being conducted on somebody else!

Apparently, the woman driving the car was asked to step out and do the standard field tests (which she failed) and Pac Man took exception. I'd like to believe that Pac Man actually got a notification on his phone about the Baltimore party bus incident and just wanted to make sure people knew who the real King of Deviant Behavior is in this league.

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