It Returns! BATTLE-DRINK, The Houston Texans BINGO Drinking Game, Monday Night Opener Edition

Categories: Game Time, Sports

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I am banging out this post in the dewey sweet ocean air of San Diego on Sunday morning. Since I make it to California like once every couple years, at best, I plan on spending Sunday watching football near the water somewhere (which I call "show prep" to you IRS auditors out there when I go to claim my business expenses).

So that means that by the time you read this, the first Sunday of the season will already be in the books, so if anything historic happened and I'm not mentioning it here, believe me, I am not ignoring it.

(Actually, considering I could make the effort to go back and edit this post Sunday night after it happened, maybe I am ignoring it. Whatever.)

One thing I am NOT ignoring? My now annual 17 week long siege on your liver....yes, BATTLE-DRINK is back!

Yes, back by popular demand, and renewed for a second season (look out Law and Order!), the Texans BINGO drinking game that is sweeping Harris, Montgomery, and Fort Bend counties (and other surrounding counties that I can't name -- seriously, if there were a Sporcle game for counties within 100 miles of Houston, I'd suck at it)!

Before we break down the improvements to the game, a few thoughts from San Diego on the eve of the Texans 2013 march to another divisional round heartbreak the Super Bowl:

1. San Diego may be the most beautiful city in the country. Beaches, bars, weather, boats, hills, just enough "city feel" to be urban, just close enough to everything else to get away from the city. One small fact that works against San Diego: it has the highest homeless population in the country. Not a surprise, if I were homeless, this is where I'd go, too. I never understood homeless people in, like, Minneapolis. I mean, dude, just start walking south. Maybe I'm oversimplifying things, as I, for now at least, have a home.

Anyway, the amazing thing about the homeless in San Diego is that they just crash on the sidewalk in the middle of the really heavily walked areas, like right outside bars and stuff, and here's the thing -- nobody seems to mind! In fact, many of the native San Diegans talk to the homeless, like real conversations and shit! (As opposed to every other city where we uncomfortably tell them we have no change and increase the pace of our gait.) It's like San Diego is fifty years ahead of the curve and they've already fully integrated the homeless into their daily tapestry. Seriously, I feel like I'm watching a social experiment out here.

2. There are a ton of Texans fans out here. It really is amazing to see how the fans of this team travel, and lots of really nice people. However, it's also really amazing to see just how big a figurative buttress from any semblance of self-awareness some fans have constructed around themselves. The airport was like a convention in the "Honey, have you seen me ________?" test. If you don't know what that is, it's when you see a ridiculous prop on a football fan's person and you plug the name of that prop into the sentence "Honey, have you seen my ______?" The harder you laugh, the worse the prop. Try it, seriously.

3. If there is a god of comedy, he is pulling strings right now to make sure that the Texans are repping the AFC in the Super Bowl, because the Traveling Texans "blending in" up in New York (in the middle of winter, no less!) might be its own documentary.

4. Football season is an exciting time. It means old friends, new friends, city pride, and above all else, FOOD! However, I think this cookie cake may have set Houston football back a couple decades, or at least to the expansion draft:

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