Joe Biden Is Coming to Houston: What He Might Say, Based on His Foot-in-Mouth History

Vice President Joe Biden is that rarest of rarities, a politician with the savvy, skill and flexibility to continually stick his foot right in his mouth and just start chewing like there's no tomorrow.

He does it on planes. He does it in the middle of presidential campaigns (his and those of his running mate). He is continually saying charmingly inappropriate things, but the guy is so gosh-darn likable, the public seems to simply savor these little tidbits of real-human from a politician, and Biden keeps on having a political career. Somehow.

Biden, along with Theodore Roosevelt IV and some other less interesting political types, will be speaking at the 95th American Legion National Convention on August 27 at the George R. Brown Convention Center. (Sen. Ted Cruz, Sen. Bernie Sanders and Rep. Jeff Miller will also be speaking over the course of the convention, but they are pretty much guaranteed not to say anything fun.)

We at Hair Balls can't wait, because who knows whether the gifted speaker or the funniest guy ever to get political will show?

Based on the esteemed vice president's most infamous gaffes, should it be the foot-in-mouth guy, we envision the address will go something like this:

Biden walks out onto the stage, smiling and waving at a sea of people waving little American flags and smelling of good American beer. (This is a convention, after all.)

"My fellow Americans," Biden says (it's what they always say.) "I would totally never have my own family packed into this crowded, germ-contaminated setup we've got here (or on planes when there's epidemics afoot), but it's nice to see so many people who aren't worried about disease."

A smattering of applause as people start to glance around uneasily, worrying over swine flu or zebra flu or whatever the latest flu is.

The silence is awkward, but he carries on the address, telling them they really should have picked Roosevelt for the keynote, but since they picked him, he'll go on and enjoy being up there.

"Roosevelt is as qualified or more qualified to be keynote speaker, and he might have been the better keynote, but I'll go for it since you picked me instead. But I wanted to get that straight," he said, giving the audience that winning Biden smile.

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As long as he is wearing jorts and driving a Trans-Am, it's all good.

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