How Awesome Is This 1982 Picture of Gary Kubiak? Let Me Count the Ways!

Categories: Game Time, Sports

We are a few weeks away from Texans training camp, which means Gary Kubiak will once again be part of our lives very soon.

It's hard to believe that we're heading into the eighth season of the Kubiak regime, and even harder to believe that only three coaches in the National Football League have been at it longer in their current jobs than ol' Kubes (Bill Belichick, Tom Coughlin, and Marvin Lewis are the three, in case you find yourself in an "NFL head coach" trivia contest).

So caught up are we in Kubes the Head Coach that we forget there was once a time where Kubes the Quarterback was a goddamn rock star in these parts, like an All-Southwest Conference-sized rock star!

We also forget there was a time when porno mustaches and wind tunnel-blown feathered hair were socially acceptable.

Well, these two worlds -- Gary Kubiak and '80s-style bodily hair -- collided yesterday in glorious fashion in a sublime attachment to a tweet from my buddy Drew Dougherty with Texan's TV:


How much do I love this picture? Conveniently enough, in honor of the silk-screened number 9 pasted across the front of Kubiak's A&M jersey, I love this picture in nine distinct ways:

First off, any hardcore analysis of this shot begins and ends with the area commencing at the base of the front of Gary Kubiak's neck and ending at the very tip of his tornado-whisked, center-parted, ultra-glorious head of hair. It is Gary Kubiak's face, and the only way it could scream "1982!" any louder would be if Kubiak had a J. Geils Band logo tattooed across his forehead.

In the dish of Marble Slab that is this picture, 1982 Gary Kubiak's face is the French vanilla ice cream holding it all together. Everything else is mere gummy bears and M&Ms, sweet window dressing to the mustachioed "visage de Kubes."

So with all that said, who does 1982 Gary Kubiak resemble?

1. While I'm fairly certain that in 1982, Gary Kubiak was not consorting regularly with adult film stars (his mustache notwithstanding), nor trying to dupe drug buyers into purchasing baby powder in lieu of cocaine, nor cutting bad '80s tracks in a rented studio, are we certain that the Dirk Diggler character wasn't at least visually based on Gary Kubiak? Honestly, have we ever seen 1982 Gary Kubiak and Dirk Diggler at the same time? Fair question.


2. ....have we ever seen 1982 Kubiak and 1984 Steve Alford at the same time? How do we know that Gary Kubiak didn't graduate from A&M, shave his mustache, and change his name to "Steve Alford" so he could restart the eligibility clock and play basketball for Bobby Knight? Huh?? Tell me! There's no way that God gave such a transcendent zephyr-shuffled head of hair to two different men.

Okay, maybe he did, but I still have a lot of questions, like....

3. old is Gary Kubiak in this picture? He looks older in this picture than he did in the 2012 Texans Media Guide. He looks old enough to where the kids in this picture could actually be his kids.

4. Hey, by the way, if you 2013 youngsters out there are wondering if Kubiak's center-part was an outlier back in 1982, just zoom in on the hand-drawn pictures of the other A&M players on the programs the kids in this shot are clutching in their greasy little hands. You'll see evidence that pretty much every white male of that era was perfectly fine with looking like somebody had chopped his hairdo down the middle with a plastic axe. Yeah, it was bad.

Okay, enough about Kubiak for a minute, how about the kids in this picture?

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